She's gone

Again life felt like it should just stop. Stop. No more. No one else should be able to keep going on with their lives. Life should be over. But it doesn't work like that...

What were we to do now? Our Kalyna, the one we had been waiting for for nine months plus was gone. We came home to an empty house, an empty baby room. There was no baby crying, no putting the other carseat in the car, no sibling for Micah to be jealous over. Nothing appeared to have changed. But so much had changed. What do we do now? That was the question that I asked over and over again. What do I do now?

Well, in all of that, as easy as it would be to simply give up, it didn't seem possible. I was being upheld by a power stronger than me. It wouldn't let me give up. It wouldn't let me lay down and die. It propelled me onward saying that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that I needed to be present in my life to be used to allow that purpose to transpire. If I gave up, than my daughter's life was for nothing. It was God's power holding me up, keeping me from crumbling. It was God who said that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that if I continued to allow God to work in my life and use me that her purpose would come to be. I had given God my baby when I was newly pregnant and said that I trusted Him, well now I had to practice what I believed. Yes, the worst happened, but I had to keep trusting that God still has a plan and purpose despite all that happened. And what about all those prayers that I prayed every day that my baby would be safe and healthy? Well as my amazing husband says, God technically did answer our prayers. Our Kalyna is safe and healthy. I hadn't thought about it that way. But it was so true. Our Kalyna would never have to experience the pain, hurt, devastation, sickness, sadness, sorrow that this world can bring. She is forever happy in the presence of our Saviour Jesus. She is forever full of love, praising our Saviour on the streets of gold. Forever dancing. Forever innocent and pure. As someone said to me recently, if we can't raise our child, then who better but God to raise our child. It's so true. He's the best, most loving parent there is.

All that being said, we are still here without her. As you can imagine, that is not an easy task. All I want is to hold her again. To kiss her soft cheek, to have sleepless nights, to struggle with breastfeeding, to fall asleep singing to her, to listen to her gurgles and to see the first smile...etc...and on and on I could go. But what does all of that accomplish? well nothing really. Again, as my husband says, she wasn't meant to be in our daily life. She was meant for those 39 weeks. Great things for God will come out of those 39 weeks. We can't spend our time picturing her in our life as she wasn't meant to be in our life in a physical way. As our pastor said, God desires life, so I don't believe that He took her, but this world is controlled by evil - ever since Adam and Eve - it has been controlled by evil. Dangers of being in the womb are one of those consequences of the evil world. However, despite the things that happen as a result of this world, God is still working things for His glory, so others will come to know Him and join Him in Heaven one day. Do I believe God could have saved her - absolutely - He can do all things. Why He chose not to, I don't know, only that it must mean that His glory will be greater with this outcome. With that being the case, I want to make sure that His glory shines from my daughter's life. That God is glorified through her life.

Another thing I struggle with and have to be careful about is letting my thoughts go to "it's not fair". Why is it, that 6 of my friends all have their healthy baby girls born this year and I don't? Why do I have to watch 6 little girls grow up and not being able to experience my own little girl growing up? Why will those 6 little girls not have the priveldge of being my daughter's friends? But again, that kind of thinking only leads to trouble. Life is not fair. It never has been. My life isn't the worst life there is...many people lose children, many people lose multiple children. It's not fair...is not a statment worth contemplating at all. Those little girls are each unique and special in their own way. I will choose (with God's strength) to love each of them and be a loving presence in their lives. I will not be jealous or resentful. Yes, some days I might be a little sad, but each of those little girls will be so precious to me and I will cherish every minute I spend with each of them.

As I sit here writing...it's really no wonder why I feel tired all the time. Everything I do now in life is a choice. I have to fight off the urge to do what is easy and choose to make the right choices. Everyday I need to choose to accept the strength, courage and love that God gives to me. His strength to make the right choices. His courage to live my day with purpose - purpose to share the Good News of Jesus with others, and His love to know that I am not worthless (two babies have died inside of me...it's easy to feel like a complete failure - and to feel that it is all my fault) but find my worth in His love.