Joyful Christmas Eve

Well we've reached another Christmas. It's funny how we mark time. Christmas seems to be the biggest holiday that we celebrate and seems to be the biggest deal...maybe that's why we tend to miss those that are missing the most at Christmas time? Maybe it's because family all gets together and it's then that it makes it more clear who's missing? Maybe it's cause everyone talks about things going on, or (in our case) what their kids are doing now and you tend to let your thoughts waiver over what yours would be doing, if they were still here? I don't know. Whatever the reason, Christmas time seems to be the time when memories and thoughts of loved ones who've passed on, suddenly threated at times to overwhelm.

For me, I still find myself in a funk where I struggle to do things that have no significant meaning. Why have a big tall beautiful tree, when a cheap little one will do the trick? What's the point to the grand expensive giant tree? I can't bring myself to buy meaningless gifts either. I'm horrible at gift giving because if I can't find something good, I just tend to give up. Not a great thing if I'm supposed to have a gift for someone and can't think of anything meaningful. This year my wonderful husband suggested an idea...and it was great....almost too late, but managed to come up with good ones for most people. Wish I had thought of it sooner, as to been able to give it to more people sigh. Hopefully it'll work well for next year, or I can give it to others after Christmas maybe...

So this Christmas...a mixed emotion Christmas....as I'm sure all Christmases will be from this point on.

A week ago yesterday, a very wonderful man from our church passed away very suddenly. It was a shock to all. We used to sit in front of him at church every Sunday. He'd always smile and say hi or crack a joke about something. His wife works with me on staff at our church and is always helping others or saying/writing encouraging words. His eldest son is a great guy and I just met his younger son this past week, but he also seems like a really great guy. JG was a great husband and father to his wonderful family. He took care of them and loved them and was a Godly example to them. Just hearing the stories and memories fondly shared this week showed me just how much he meant to them all. He is now with Jesus this Christmas, his faith now turned to sight. I will remember him fondly with that big smile and I will be praying for his family as they weather their first Christmas without him.

This Christmas is A's first Christmas with us. What an up and down ride it has been with her. We just passed the 6 month mark of her being in our home. While for others it may be easy to see she's come a long way, sometimes when we're bogged down in the middle of things, it can be hard for us to see, although there are definite things that have changed. Head banging/head hitting/hand biting etc. have all pretty much disappeared. It reoccurs on the odd occasion when something sets her off, (usually something we missed), but thankfully it is mostly gone. She still has the odd time where she cries without us knowing why....but then that passes and she is her happy little self again. She is a lot of work, but to be honest, a lot of the work has to be done on myself. I have to learn to regulate my emotions, no matter how I'm feeling at the time, so that I handle situations appropriately and with her best interests in mind and not my own. So I'm a work in progress too. I'm coming along slowly. Some days I do a great job....other days I fail miserably. It is definitely one of my biggest challenges. But I'm learning and God is giving me strength to continue to do better and to be more compassionate. All that being said, I'm very excited for A's first Christmas. Today was the first day that both Albert and I have been home with the kids for just a quiet day. It has been really great so far. We had some fun playing in the snow together this morning...so nice to have a white Christmas this year. A's expressions when she opens gifts is really fun to see. She gets all excited and exclaims over new gifts. She'd probably open all the presents under our tree if I let her! It will be so fun to see her excitement! Micah also gets pretty excited over everything. He loves to help A with her gifts, so it's hard sometimes for him to remember that she can do it too! It was very sweet the other night at my dad's, Micah was asked who should get the first present to open and he said A. Very cute of him to think of her first. :) Warms my heart. Also looking forward to many of our extended family meeting A for the first time. :) Hopefully it isn't too overwhelming for her.
To: A__  Lynne Marie: Merry Christmas my dear little daughter A. Thank you for your love and trust, we hope you have a blessed Christmas and we are so thankful you came into our lives this year. We look forward to having papers in the new year that are signed by a judge to say you are officially ours! With all our love now and forever. You are forever ours and we won't let you go or give up on you. We promise you that. We will weather the storms and we are sorry for times when we fail you, but we will keep working on ourselves that we can be the best parents possible to you. You are our beautiful little daughter.We love you.

To: Micah Albert: Merry Christmas! You are our precious son. Our firstborn. The one that taught us first hand how to be parents. We are still learning and you definitely remind us of that! You are such a caring and compassionate little boy. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. We love you so much. Be blessed this Christmas and in this coming year. We look forward to seeing you continue to grow, learn and hopefully come to love our Saviour. We love you.

To: Kalyna Leanne my beautiful first little girl. I love you so much and miss you so much. To have seen your laughing, smiling face as you point at lights and rip open Christmas presents; to hear your first words and maybe a song; to see your first unsteady steps turn into a run; this Christmas would have been a fun one with you. Instead we have only our memory of your birth....and the memory of what we think you may look like now. However, we know you celebrate with the King....really the best celebration of all...in fact it lasts year round, so you're happy everyday. I know this to be true, so really my best thoughts of you should be of you with Jesus and not of the memories that I've missed.
So it is here where I'll focus my heart. Merry Christmas dear little Kalyna. Celebrate well.

And Merry Christmas 2013 to everyone reading as well. Be blessed this new year. Continue to live for Jesus and not for what is comfortable.
I leave you with the Christmas story (the true reason for Joy in the season despite circumstances)beginning with the shepherds as I feel the shepherds are very much us. (Terrified of the good news, yet seeking it out, finding it to be true, and sharing it with all - I feel as though it describes what we should do too)

                                                   Luke 2:8-20
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

A Daddy's Girl

When we got A, she didn't have many verbal skills. She didn't say many words and really didn't make many sounds either. Just a lot of crying and behaviours that indicated that she was incredibly frustrated, or just plain mad. Most children by the time they are the same age as A, have conquered the basic sounds and some simple words. We are coming up to almost having A for 5 months, and really if I look back on where she was, she has made some incredible gains. She has definitely turned her attention and effort to communicating verbally now.

You would quite enjoy being a fly on the wall at our home around 5:30-6pm when Albert comes home from work. As it gets dark and as supper preparations begin, A starts looking towards the window and says "Dada?" Yes that's right, Dada. So despite the fact that most kids start saying dada around a year of age...we didn't miss that stage. At two years old, our daughter now knows who her Dad is. And let me tell you, you would think the king was coming through the door the way she reacts when Albert comes home! She keeps glancing at the window saying "Dada" until she hears his truck, then she runs to the window jumping up and down with excitement and yelling DAAAD DADA at the top of her lungs, just waiting to catch his eye when he walks past the front window! After yelling DADA a few more times when he waves at her through the window, she bolts to the front door where she promptly greats him with more DADAs and the word UP! Before he can take off his coat and shoes, she wants to be picked up by him and carried by him. It's incredibly cute....(although I may be slightly jealous....I get Mum mum often...but mostly its when she needs or wants something....however, I don't often leave her either...to be able to get such an exuberant welcome...hehehehe). But it's just so adorable to watch. I think she loves him so much and is always super happy to see him. (why wouldn't she be....hehehe I'm always super happy when he comes home too!) But definitely a daddy's girl for sure!
He gets a smiley hi from Micah too, though Micah is usually playing on the computer when Albert comes home, since making dinner with two toddlers is a chore, especially when it is notoriously meltdown hour and A needs to be in my arms while I'm making dinner! She throws very big fits if I don't pick her up while I cook. Sometimes this frustrates me, other times I try really hard to prepare ahead of time, or be ok with cooking one handed. I figure she can't do it forever...and if she needs that reassurance now (or she really loves to cook?) then I can deal with that most days....

But yes, almost 5 months and she went from barely speaking to now she daily picks up new words, definitely attempts new words all the time. She will try to repeat anything we say. She is also picking up on the babbling....just random sounds that are loud! But I'm so happy that she is finally making sounds. It's just so great to know that words are coming and communication continues to get easier with her and her frustration lately seems to be decreasing which is wonderful. Her frustrated behaviours; therefore, are also decreasing which is great! I hope that the reason for that is that we communicate better. There are still times where she will fly off the handle and we have missed the reason why...but for the most part, we are understanding her more and more.
I have also seen a change in Micah, some of his acting out behaviours are dissipating and he is much more obedient now and doesn't have that sudden change where he becomes completely defiant and out of control. So thankful for that as well.
And me. I am changing too. The way I deal with the kids. The way I try to figure out why. How you start to be more ok with comforting the child even when you told them a hundred times not to do something and they did it anyways...I think I'm more relaxed, less anxious and more go with the flow. And most of all I'd like to think that I'm a little more in control of my emotions...more steady and less prone to being set off by the kids. I think I'm feeling a little more settled. I remember with Micah, that it definitely took me at least 3 months to get used to having him around and figuring out life with an infant. I had to keep reminding myself that if it took me 3 months to get used to Micah it would probably take at least double to get used to life with two toddlers...and well we're almost at five and I'm just starting to feel at ease...although who knows what will happen next. We seem to have a handle on A's asthma now....hopefully that will continue. It also helps I'm sure, that right now we are all over the nasty colds we had last month.

I praise God that even though communication has been difficult, it is really awesome to watch A's language develop! Seeing her conquer new words every day and celebrating those words with her, is just great! Her little smirks and smiles when she is proud of herself for accomplishing a word is so sweet. It will be exciting to see where she is in a month and then a month after that! She is quite an amazing little girl. :)
I'll leave you with Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.
We didn't really understand why we had this very angry and difficult toddler, but in God's timing He is bringing about changes in all of us. We are being knitted together as a family rooted in God's love for each other as we let Him direct our paths.

Photographs

Photographs.

Those simple little things I used to take for granted. Sure I used to take pictures, but not an excessive amount and never really thought it was a big deal if I forgot my camera for an event. Often I'd let others take the pictures and just get a few after. I liked to just go and experience the event.
While experiencing the event is one thing, to me now it's capturing the people in the event that matters to me more now.

I guess what changed that was after our beautiful Kalyna passed away. I didn't think about it at the time. At the time I was simply in shock and definitely wasn't processing or thinking clearly at all. But oh how I wish I had thought enough to call a professional photographer to take some pictures of Kalyna. You know the tasteful kind. Pictures of her little hands, her little feet, a nice pose of her looking like she is sleeping....oh I'd love to have just one nice frame with a few pictures like this. We have a few of our precious girl, but they aren't ones I can hang around the house.
I guess I've been thinking about this lately, as I heard about another couple who recently lost their baby. When thinking about it, my advice to someone who knows them, is suggest a photographer...those pictures will become so cherished when their little one is gone. I have an album with all the memories I have of my daughter, and also a few items around the house that remind me of my daughter (a picture of a rose, a map of the star that was named after my daughter, Christmas tree ornament, a little tree, a flower, a candle, my necklace and locket) - I cherish every one of these mementos as they remind me of my precious Kalyna. They help me know that I will never forget her. (despite not being able to display pictures of her).

Now, though, I feel like I am on a mission to capture every perfect moment of our family. Every outing, event, I want to have my camera with me. I want to take pictures....many pictures to remember every little detail later. Who knows how long I will get to spend here on earth those I love...I want to be able to continue to see them even after they are gone. I want to remember the good times. To make as many memories as possible. We have very few memories of our precious Kalyna. One of the things that grief counselors say is remember all the memories you have....well what if you only have a few hours of memories? I am determined to have many memories we my loved ones as I can, so pictures I will take. Especially now that little A is here, I try to take as many as possible...even if it's just following the kids around as they walk around the house! I think I was disappointed this Halloween as I had a hard time getting good pictures as both kids weren't really into the dress up thing this year  (likely due to the unknown of the activity, their colds, my impatience) -anyways, live and learn, hopefully next year it'll go a little better. But we were able to get some good ones from the pumpkin patch and from the farm at thanksgiving - which I'm so thrilled about. The next challenge will be to get a really good Christmas card picture!
Anyways, I know that in the big picture of life, photographs aren't the most important thing, but to me right now, they mark memories of the people I love. Capturing smiles just makes me smile too. I'm thankful for the ability to take pictures and remember memories of those we love - even if it's memories from a couple of hours. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but just a little something that I've found is meaningful to me.

I guess meaningful mementos aren't a new thing. As I was searching the Bible curious about memories, I realized that the people in the Bible were constantly making mementos and memories to remember the things that God had shown/done for them. Building altars, creating holidays etc. It's not a new thing. It makes me realize that when I'm making memories that I need to realize the importance behind the memories. That when I think of Kalyna, I can't help but think about the way that God showed Himself faithful during our lowest, darkest hours. He was there. He provided people to help, He provided His peace and His comfort like only He could do. And now when I make these new memories, I think of the faithfulness of God and how He brought first Albert, then Micah and now little A into my life and what a blessing they are to me. Times that we spend together, pictures of them smiling, remind me that joy is still possible despite the hard, difficult times that come before and after the smiling pictures. I am thankful to God for these memories that point me to Him and will continue to remind me of His presence in my life.

Also at your times of rejoicing—your appointed festivals and New Moon feasts—you are to sound the trumpets over your burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, and they will be a memorial for you before your God. I am the Lord your God.”  ~Numbers 10:10~

My man

Another noteworthy date that recently passed was my husband's birthday. He hit a pretty significant mark age wise this year. And in light of the fact that it was his birthday (earlier this month), I thought I should reflect on this man whom God has blessed me with.

I'm not really sure what I ever did to deserve a man like my husband. He'd probably tell me I'm crazy, but really it's true. Sure he might not be that man who showers me with gifts (for the money is much better spent elsewhere...we both know that!) and most of you who know him, know he's definitely got some lovely little quirks (ex. socks needing to be folded a certain way (which is perfectly normal in his family....kind of a laughable trait in mine...)) however, the stuff that really counts, he excels at.

A phrase that I've heard many times now, especially throughout this past year is "Theresa, your desires are my desires." What he is saying is that my passions become his passions. And he throws his whole self into those desires and just like that there is no his or hers but a big OURS...and it's even better than what little bit I had come up with. He runs with it and makes it better. He does it so completely.  Sure I dream about things, think things, ponder things...but none of those thoughts, dreams, passions would ever amount to anything without my Albert backing me up and throwing himself wholeheartedly into the middle of it. I could never imagine someone that would ever be more supportive of me. He truly makes me a better person. Instead of just thoughts, words etc., he lets me live it out and enables me to do that, because he wants to do it too! I cannot fathom someone wanting to do the things I come up with...but he truly does! I only hope that I can do the same to his passions, dreams and desires as well.

Sometimes when one is a mother, the husband is very much wanting wife to be home always, cleaning, cooking, washing his underwear, teaching the children to behave and clean up after themselves...which is always what I aspire to do, however, it doesn't always happen quite like that. Albert has been known to have an empty underwear drawer...yes very much demonstrating my lack of ability as a housewife...as much as I try hard, I always seem to fail at this...case and point...I should be folding laundry right now. eek. However, my point in all this is, that despite the fact that Albert does very much appreciate always having laundry in his drawer, he still allows me to be me and extends me grace when I fail. He knows I tend to stretch myself thin...and unfortunately in doing that, my house chores are generally the things that suffer....and although I know it drives him crazy....he is still so supportive and understanding. I'm so thankful that he doesn't expect a gourmet chef every night and is thankful for an edible meal :)

He is my helper, my best friend, my supporter, my encourager, my realist, my reliever, my break-giver...He is thoughtful, humble, loyal and hardworking
I love him dearly - we've been married for 6 years, and we've know each other since second term of my first year of university. God has placed Albert in my life for a reason. I couldn't imagine life without him. God clearly knew what He was doing when He caused our paths to cross. I need to remember to thank Him every day for my Albert and all he is to me, and how we continue to grow together more and more through every day. We've been through a lot in our 6 years of marriage. They certainly haven't been easy ones. But through it all, there was never a question in my mind that my Albert would be there for me. He wasn't leaving, he wasn't going anywhere. He is in it for the long haul, through thick and thin...no matter what the circumstance. And he has made that abundantly clear - it isn't just me - he has made it very clear that he won't leave, and he has proved that over and over (I may have had a slight complex about that, coming into marriage (my past, nothing to do with Albert), but Albert has worked very hard to alleviate that fear).
I could go on and on about my Albert, but I'll leave it there for now, but end with the fact that I am so thankful for the day my husband was born. When God created him and gave him life. I'm thankful for the experiences that he has had growing up and for his family who has helped shape him into the man he is. I'm thankful for him and the choices he has made for his life and I'm so grateful that he chose me to share his life with and to commit himself to. And I'm incredibly grateful for his love for God first.

So happy belated birthday Albert. I love you.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
~Genesis 2:24~

 

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
~Ecclesiastes 4:12~

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11~

Little A is two!

So our little A turned two this past week. Can't believe it! It seems so crazy that she is already two and we've only known her for about 3 and a half months of her two year old life. That just blows my mind away.  20 and a half months of her 24 months have been spent living else where. I definitely look forward to the day that she will have lived longer with us than she has in other places. We are almost at the half way mark of our probationary period as well. When a child is adopted, they are placed with a 6 month probation period before the paperwork goes before a judge. If all goes well, hopefully our paperwork will go before a judge early January.

We had A's birthday party over the weekend. It went really well. We just had some close extended family over to celebrate. I think both A and Micah had a great time. A was a little shy after her nap, but then warmed up to everyone who came. It was great. She opened presents, with a little help from Micah, but enjoyed each present that she got. It was great to see how everyone has gotten to know her enough to get her gifts that peeked her interest and that I know she will enjoy.

I just love her interests right now, they are quite funny...coming in at number one....Tractors...yep that's right, we've got a farm girl on our hands! How perfect.....hehehehe. So needless to say her cake was purple and green with a John deer tractor on it. I know, but it was super cute and I think she loved it....she loves playing with the tractor on top anyways. :)

So here we go....with a 2 year old little A. And her first week of being two is full of appointments for her....physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and a visit from the adoption worker. We saw the physical and occupational therapists 2 months ago and they were blown away by her progress from the first time they saw her. My guess is that we will be finished with them after this visit, because I think she is mostly where she should be in her gross motor and fine motor movements. She was a little behind in her fine motor skills 2 months ago, but those have improved. Probably still a bit delayed, but it's coming for sure. I'm looking forward to her speech therapy though. I'm hoping for more strategies to help her with her speech. I think she is quite delayed there, but probably because she put so much focus into her gross motor and fine motor skills. I think she is slowly making the switch to communication now. Even in the past week her vocabulary has grown, so it's coming! So looking forward to communicating better with her. Although, with communication means she can tell us exactly what she wants...even if it isn't something she can have....but at least we'll know. And it would be good if she could tell us if she was in pain or hurting or having issues breathing...now that would be very helpful!

But for now we keep plugging along, still learning things about her everyday. Everyday being a new experience and sometimes it's a great day where we communicate well and anticipate her needs...and other days we seem to fall back 10 steps and it feels like we'll never get it right. On the plus side, only one more tooth to come in. So good.

Well we look forward to knowing our little A more and more and to see her through the rest of her birthdays!

Here's a verse I found this past week and I think it pertains very well. :)

May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.
~2 Thessalonians 3:5~
Keep persevering my friends, may God be your strength.

The Ups and Downs

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything, mostly because it's been busy. Being a mom of two on earth is definitely not an easy thing. I'm discovering that toddlerhood isn't my favourite stage in life. That being said...everyone goes through the toddler stage, it's just the way it is. It's just a patience trying stage.....there are definitely some super cute moments...moments that melt your heart and make you smile big...but it's also very trying...

I guess it's been about a month since I've written...well since then we spent two days in the hospital with A for her asthma...definitely did not know quite how serious asthma is. Now I have become much more educated about it, and much more aware of it. I'm always trying to listen to A's breathing, trying to figure out if she is ok, or if it's getting worse. She is pretty subtle. But I don't want to end up in the ER again due to asthma! Definitely not something on my list to do again!
However, it's pretty easy to tell that Micah and A adore each other. When A came out of the hospital, we went to my mom's house where Micah was and it was like a scene from a movie. Micah came running out of the front door and A came running up from the road when the van was and they ran to to each other. I think we were all worried they would crash...but they stopped just in time and laughed together. So cute!

Lets see what else, well A is starting to say a few words now, which is great! She is loving B words...anything that starts with a B she will repeat! It's quite funny. The best thing is that Micah loves to be her teacher. He will say "A, can you say Bus? " and then she'll say "Bus". She will try most anything Micah asks her to try. It's very cute.

We also had our Adventure Bible Camp at the end of August. Albert was superbly wonderful as he took off the week and hung out in the nursery/toddler room every morning with the kids and other kids as well. I got a break and got to teach the Imagination Station! So much fun...exhausting, but so fun! Sharing Jesus with kids in practical ways that they could understand was great! Micah and A would come and listen to the music at the beginning of camp and at the end. They loved the music...as a result we have the cd and the kids dance to it all the time. We have dance parties or musical meals....hehehe :)

Lets see what else, we had a trip to a small zoo, which was pretty fun. We went with friends and enjoyed our time. It was busy....incredibly busy....but I think the kids had fun! There was a splash pad and trampolines...so A was very happy about that...probably would have spent the entire time there...though she also thoroughly enjoyed the giant sand box as well! We got some great pictures too and now are proudly displaying pictures of A and Micah on our living room wall! That makes me very happy.
We have also just reached our 3 month mark having A in our family. As I look over our 3 months...it's definitely been a very challenging three months...they have stretched me in many ways I didn't think possible, but I know I've grown as a person and hopefully as a parent. But A has definitely come a long way too. The angry little girl that first came has mostly been replaced by a fun, mischievous, adventurous and curious little girl. She still has her temper, but it's more I'M MAD.........I'm ok again...usually. Guess that comes with the fact that she has red hair in her genes...hehehe...

Oh and I also got the "are the twins?" question just the other day! So funny! But 15 months doesn't look like a whole lot when A is getting close to Micah's height. She is seriously growing so fast! I think she is growing out of size 2 clothing already!

Let's see, anything else to share? Hmmm mostly just the daily ups and downs. Some days we're clicking and running smoothly, other days we're melting down and just barely holding it together. That's just life with toddlers as I have come to learn.
All that being said, I wouldn't change it for anything. Is our life more difficult...definitely. But life wasn't meant to be easy...not when you are living for a purpose greater than yourself. We are extended and stretched in ways we probably didn't think possible, but I believe that God gave us A for a reason and a purpose and we need her as much as she may need us. I hope that we can be a good example to her and Micah of what followers of Jesus look like and what it means to follow Him wholeheartedly no matter what. My prayer is that both of my children will come to know Jesus at a young age and seek to follow Him all the days of their lives, no matter what. It's not easy....but life would be even more unbearable and awful without our Saviour guiding our steps and giving us strength for each and every moment of each and every day. I want as many people to know this....that you need Jesus to live in this world, to survive and to thrive. Without Him, there is no hope. Life without hope is simply awful. So if you don't yet know Jesus...please talk to someone who does, or myself..or check out the Bible...it's truly a great thing. He really wants to be there for you...to see you through...and you know what, He is already there for you, throwing people and circumstances in your life to point you to Him...He's there pulling you towards Him already....He's waiting for you to acknowledge that He loves you so you can see Him pouring His love, truth, strength into your life!
Here's my verse for the day:
But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. ~James 1:25 NLT~Really liked this verse today...it spoke volumes to me.

Well, thanks for reading, sorry it's been awhile! Hope you enjoy the update! :)

In "awe"

Well, it's been almost two months now since we've had A with us as apart of our forever family! For the most part, it's really starting to feel like she's always been with us! I think she is definitely growing more attached to us as well. It really seems like her anger is disapating and her smiles are more abundant now. I think we have more good days/moments than we do bad now too! Albert was off this past week and we had a lovely time. We visited a little zoo, a children's museum, the family farm and had some quality time at home. It was really great. We enjoyed Albert's week off immensely.
A new thing that little A has started to do that is super sweet is she has this blanket that she will put up to the side of her head and say "awwwww". Just recently she has started coming up to me and saying "awww" with her head against my leg. Hehehehe...so super cute! I think we are building a bond....although the downside slight downside that is...is that it seems that she freaks out everytime I leave a room....unless well distracted. But I've definitely noticed that it's a control thing...we were watching some info videos regarding making connections with adopted children and it was talking about how these children haven't had control, so control is important to them. When I leave a room it causes her stress, but if she leaves the room, she's in control....she's leaving me so that's ok, but if I leave, she's not in control, so she reacts. So I'll try to minimize the stress....but oh it's hard when I can't have a couple minutes alone in the bathroom without her reacting....but Albert is getting good at distracting :)

The other "awe" moment I had was just contemplating and re-reading some blog entries...it's really quite amazing to read over and see how God has been working in our lives over the past year. I'm totally in awe of Him. He is truly an amazing God and I'm in awe of the way He works. This beautiful little girl is the one we prayed for. The one we were in love with before she even came. We longed for her from the very beginning of this journey. God works in many ways that we don't understand. He answers prayers in many ways that we don't understand. But one thing we do understand is that God works are for His glory in furthering His Kingdom and I pray that lives might be changed by our story.

Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord. Repeat them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.
~Habakkuk 3:2~

Challenges

Most people who have adopted/fostered will tell you that it's definitely not without it's challenges.
Generally, as with most things, you can't understand the challenges until you are in the middle of it. I am blessed to know a wonderful woman who let me into her life and shared with me some of the challenges she's had with her adopted child. I think that it definitely helped to have some knowledge of trials and struggles that come with adoption before we adopted. I am very thankful for that, especially as we now deal with many struggles of our own. I know though, that parenting itself, any child really, has it's definite challenges. Being a parent is definitely not an easy task. You definitely grow to appreciate your parents way more than you ever did before once you become a parent - and I might add a parent of more than one!

Now I know that I tend to gloss over a lot of things and look more to the positive. I try to stay positive always, and know that God is providing strength for the day to day. But to keep being honest, there is definitely one challenge that I struggle with immensely. We have many challenges...as do all parents with their children, but there is this one thing that I just can't figure out. There are times when our adopted daughter will cry for seemingly no reason. It's a sudden onset of crocodile tears and inconsolableness. It's different from the normal, I fell down and I'm hurt cry. Or the I'm hungry cry, or the I'm annoyed cry, or I'm mad at you cry....we've learned all these cries. But then there is this one cry that just seems to be persistent for a good 10-15 minutes, and then as suddenly as it starts, it stops. I try milk (she loves her milk), I try food, I hold her with her blanket and bounce her, we sing, we try desperately to find a way to comfort her...and it just doesn't seem to work. It's super frustrating....we check her temperature, it's normal. She's not pulling on an ear, she's not holding her stomach, she's not doing anything except crying. We have come to the conclusion that maybe it's teething....I think she is getting her two year molars...but I don't really know. I have nothing to compare it to. Once it stops she's as happy as can be again. She runs around, eats, drinks, is affectionate...I don't know. It's hard not knowing what she was like from infancy to know what this could be. It doesn't happen very often. Hardly ever. But when it does, it's really hard because it's really hard to watch your child cry and have no idea why....Anyways, as time goes on I'm sure will figure out more of what it could be. And if it's teething, those teeth better show up really soon!!
But I'll leave you with a verse of strength, to keep seeing the Lord's face even when times get difficult or busy...it's definitely easy to leave out the seeking the Lord part of our busy days...but that is how we find strength to continue on with our busy days. I know it's hard to do my reading and praying during the day now because it is rare that I have a moment of peace to do that...so it gets pushed to naptime or after the kids are in bed, when I feel that there are a million other things to do...but despite the million of other things that need doing....seeking the Lord should be at the top of my list to do first. Seeking the Lord - to be renewed by Him and strengthened by Him for the minutes, hours, days that lie ahead. As it's only in His strength will I accomplish what He wants me to do and with the attitude that He wants me to accomplish it with.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
~Psalm 105:4~

Two!

It's kind of fun having these moments now...it's cheesy I know, but I'm going to share it anyways...

Today, we walked to the park. It's just down our street...Micah rode his tricycle there and A held my hand and walked all the way there...(major accomplishment here...A holding my hand and walking all the way there with no issues! Amazing!! Loved that so much! I'm thinking walking is in now and stroller is out...)
Anyways...so we are playing at the park. It's just a little park, not too much to do, but there is a teeter totter/seesaw, whatever you want to call it. As I put A on one side and Micah took the other...I flashed back to all the times I put Micah on this teeter totter and had to push the other side myself. Up and down, up and down...Micah going by himself...and me making noises so it feels fun...now Micah has someone to sit with on the teeter totter and look at and laugh with as it goes up and down...I still have to help push them...but there are two of them on it...it made my heart really happy that there isn't an empty seat on the teeter totter anymore...  :)
Thanks for letting me share :)

Also a cute moment from the day...Micah giving A a kiss on the cheek and A actually blowing him a kiss back....oh goodness melt my heart! :) They definitely have some cute moments together...a lot of crazy moments and melt down moments.....but the cute moments sure make up for the other moments.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.

 ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a~

 

(this in no way applies that everyone should have more than one child...one child is great for sure...I had this verse in my head as the kids were playing just cause I enjoyed that there were two of them - and seeing how they can be together, and will hopefully be there for each other through life.)

A Moment of Peace

Today was one of those days where for a moment time stood still and I was able to breath and truly thank God for His love and faithfulness.
After a terrible day yesterday - one of those days that just wouldn't ever end and then when it did it ended with a goose egg, (I was right in front of her and she tripped over her feet ---one of those moments you wish you could have seen in advance and prevented...and then feel horrible for not being able too...ugh. Just a wretched day.)
So I decided today we were going to be out of the house.
We spent a lovely morning at church - I enjoyed teaching the Sunday School kids - we had a great morning learning about encouragement! :)
After church we headed out to the farm. I was hoping the kids would nap on the way there, which they did a bit, but when they did wake up, they did a fairly good job of being content the rest of the way...A still is definitely not a great traveler...but hopefully that will come with time!
We really had a wonderful time at the farm. It was on and off rainy, but walking around the barn, walking around outside and playing inside - we had a great time. We found out A loves tractors! Who knew! She pointed at them, and kept wanting to climb into them. Of course Poppers loved that and indulged! I think A had a ride in every tractor on the farm! She and Micah both had like a twenty minute ride around the farm. It was great! :)
But the biggest blessing of the day came when Micah was inside reading stories with Grannie and A was riding on the tractor with Poppers and I happened to find myself alone looking up at a crazy sky. The sky was changing between crazy rain clouds and blue sky with white clouds and sun. I stopped for a minute and had an interesting realization. Over the past year, every time we were at the farm and I was alone, I was depressed. I felt as though I was very unneeded. When there are 6 adults and one child....the person the child is with most, is the one that he doesn't need when there are other people around...I always felt very depressed and that I should be enjoying this time or looking after my daughter...still being busy. But today, when I was standing outside gazing at the constantly changing crazy sky, I didn't feel depressed because I was alone. I felt joy. I felt contentment. I felt peace. I felt full. I enjoyed the few moments of peace. I was thankful for the few moments of peace. It was such a different feeling than I've had before. I couldn't do anything but praise God for this new feeling...and thank Him for all He has done and for strength to continue.
I am thankful for a wonderful day, and I am thankful that God is changing my heart. He is working miracles everyday.

For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

~Psalm 108:4~ 

Kalyna

I shall never tire of writing her name. Kalyna Leanne Siertsema....I was still torn between what her short form would have been...I had thought either Kaly or Lyna.....but I don't think it would have been either because Micah continues to call her Kyna....so I'm guessing that's what her short form would have been. Oh how I miss her. How I long to hold her in my arms again and kiss her soft cheeks. To comb through her curly dark hair and to see if her eyes really are that deep blue colour.

Oh to see a smile light up your face and a hand reach out to hold mine.
Someday I know someday. Someday I'll see you run towards me with that big smile on your face and hear you affectionately call me "Mommy". Someday. 

One thing I have learned....the waiting time is hard....but when the waiting is over, and the time has come...you don't remember the waiting and the longing. Those days are long and forgotten. It will be the now that counts and how wonderful it will be.

And so we continue on, onwards in this journey through life, knowing that we need to touch as many lives as we can while we're here, so that there may be more joyful reunions in Heaven because of lives being changed. I know I am certainly looking forward to my reunion...meeting Jesus and being in awe of how deeply He loves us, and part of His great love will be seeing my Kalyna alive and radiant....and my Jaimie too! :)

And until then, I have a renewed sense of purpose here...as I continue to raise my children here...Micah and A to hopefully come to know the Lord as their friend and Saviour at a young age...and serve my husband, family, friends, church family and community and beyond, so that others' lives may be changed by the love of our Saviour Jesus.

I leave you with a verse that came today...
Yet I am always with you, You hold me by my right hand.
~Psalm 73:23~
-this verse is true...I know it to be true...I've been led along this past year specifically because I did not have the strength to continue on alone....there is no other explanation except that God had me by the hand and was leading me onwards...
If you are struggling today with things that are bigger than you can handle...find strength and hope in our Saviour. He will give you hope even in the darkness and strength to find the light.

July

And it's July....the month I had been dreading for awhile now. A month that has so many ups and downs.
July 11, 2011 - Jaimie passed away
July 11, 2012 - Kalyna's birth day (she passed away July 10)

And then there is July 14 - Micah's birthday (which last year was Kalyna's funeral service)

And now it's July 2013 - And yesterday, July 2nd, we signed the adoption papers for our new adopted daughter.

I have been pondering all of this recently in my mind...and there are a few things that I need to do some writing about.
This July was going to be especially difficult, celebrating Kalyna's one year in Heaven. Although there are many positives to that - she is safe, happy, healthy, and with Jesus - she still left a very large hole in our family and in our hearts. We miss her ever so much.
Her passing started our adoption journey much earlier than we had anticipated....

If you've been reading for awhile than you know that we were open to fostering to adopt, fostering or adopting. We were open to any child, any origin, any gender - we had said preferably under 3 (younger than Micah)...although we had been considering what it might be like to adopt older children...
Then June comes along....we hear about a little girl who is already a crown ward and is in need of a forever family. She'd been bounced a little in the past few months, and was passed over by other families for various reasons. She has no access to family for various reasons and thus it's a closed adoption, which doesn't happen much these days because its good for kids to know or have some connection to their biological family in some way. This little girl doesn't have that either. We are her family now. Sure she will know she is adopted, we won't hide that from her, but we will be her forever family. The one she can count on to not let her go.
So in all the possibilities that there were, we, before we reached Kalyna's 1 year mark, have added a little girl (20 months old) - our beautiful A, to our family - who is not being fostered, but being adopted forever into our family. Yes it has it's challenges...we certainly are busy now...but we will be celebrating Kalyna's one year in Heaven with another little girl in our arms. One that came to us from another family, but from God none the less. She was created and formed and made by Him and His hand has been on her from the very start. God gave her to us.

Is it not amazing the way our Heavenly Father works? He has blessed us with another daughter...one that we will have the privilege of raising. Our Heavenly Father answers prayers. He cares for us, He loves us, He carries us through the hard devastating times. He never lets us go. He didn't let me drown in despair last July....He pulled me out and gave me hope...and now He has given us our new daughter. His timing is also incredible. That He would provide a way to ease our pain this July...we still miss Kalyna, and will forever and she will always be on my mind...but God has given us joy through the pain as well....in the form of a very spunky little girl who will keep us on our toes.
God continues to prove faithful over and over again...and I know He will prove faithful in this new journey we are on as well. Looking back over my blogs from the last year...just helps me realize all the more how God has been seeing us through and had this in mind from the very beginning. He knew what was going to happen and He had this little girl for us even back then - even though we had no idea.

I'll leave you with my favourite verse which never ceases to take on new meanings....

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

 ~Jeremiah 29:11~

1 week

Well we have reached the one week mark with our newest addition!
Today has been a good day! To think that last Wednesday there was still quite a bit of head banging and hitting herself....(not sure if those are comfort things, or learned things...) but they are subsiding thankfully!! She's definitely bonding well with us. Sunday night she had some alone time with Albert, and I think it was definitely trial by fire....they had such a rough time..(I think she is used to a female caregiver) however, since then, every time Albert walks into a room after being gone, she gives him the biggest smile and will often run to him! It's so adorable!
It's funny, you can definitely tell that our family has had an adjustment...our usually fairly quiet days are now full of noise, laughter, some crying, some chaos...but are definitely full full days! Currently, Everyone is napping except me. That's right. A is sleeping for her nap and Micah and Albert are having an impromptu nap on the couch while they were supposedly watching Thomas the Train. It's now playing and the two of them are sound asleep.... Me I'm waiting for my coffee to be done to get me through the end of the day! Albert has been hanging out around the house for the past few days...working from home, or going to work in the afternoon to help with the adjustment and to continue to bond with A. It's been quite the adjustment...and at times very overwhelming, but we are coming along. We have our good moments and bad moments...but generally every day gets a little better.
I'm so glad that it is summer as A loves to play outside...put her in front of some water and she is all the way in. The outside has definitely helped me out a lot....although a fence would be helpful as A also loves to run....it's hilarious cause she runs in such a toddler way, while shaking her head....pretty sure she's going to fall over every time she does it!
Well that's about it for now I guess...probably should get some stuff done....our house has definitely seen better days.....well better in terms of tidy...however it is much fuller now and that is an amazing gift! Our yellow farm room has it's occupant now! :)

Here's a verse I found last night that I liked so I'll leave you with it! (so glad that our God goes before us :)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

 ~Deuteronomy 31:8~

The girl who sleeps with a blanket on her head...

Well it's day 3. Day three was a much better day than day 2. Super thankful for that.
Spent a nice quiet day at home which was very nice. I started out the day taking the kids ...(I can say kids now!!) outside! The sun wasn't too hot yet. It was so great! A wandered around and so I followed her to make sure she didn't go too far...but she also loved loved playing with the outdoor car - you know those big red ones they can sit in?) She loved it! So awesome...right now I think it's her favourite thing next to her blanket! She was in and out in and out for so long...at one point Micah and A were sitting in it together....super cute! :)

The rest of the day consisted of Micah and A running around the house and a few quieter moments when I got her to sit down and kind of play!

Also huge accomplishment today! A had a nap! Been trying for the past 2 days to get her to nap unsuccessfully, but finally today, she had a little over an hour nap! So thankful for that! Just needed that quieter time to myself, to play with Micah and to clean up a little. And it made for a better evening with her as she wasn't over tired! :)

And crazy thing...been in our house for over two years now, and never visited our neighbours until tonight when the kids (...hehehe still love that!) kept pointing to the ponies and the neighbour was cutting the grass and invited us over to see the ponies...so we now have a standing invite over there to see the ponies any time...probably will happen often as both Micah and A seem to love animals. A seems especially taken by horses right now! Its one of her words I think. Ho - for horse...she likes the horse stuffy that we have...and kept pointing to the ponies outside saying Ho...hehehe :) Love that she likes animals too... :)

On a more serious note...as our neighbour commented today...she looks like she could be dutch, with her colouring...I was thinking it's interesting how we were up for adopting a child of any origin, that God would give us a child that looks like she could have been born into our family. That will probably in the long run be a great thing for her and a harder thing for us. She hopefully won't have too much of an identity crisis later hopefully....hopefully she won't feel out of place.
It will be more of a challenge for us as because she isn't noticeably adopted, if she acts out or throws a fit in public...we as parents will be judged for our poor parenting skills....even though it may be because we've only had her for a week/month etc. It will definitely make us more humble and challenge our motives and putting our child first no matter how bad it may make us look. (If that makes sense?) But we are here for A no matter what and will do our best for her.

So although we are working to understand a non-verbal toddler who probably hasn't heard people say no to her very often....and possibly had some neglect for a month maybe....she also has her super sweet moments - when she puts her head against Micah's and says awwwe....or when Albert or I are helping her fall asleep, she's so still and smiles and relaxes and oooos - it's so cute...when she stares up at you with her big blue eyes... :) That's where her sweetness shines. Hopefully we can slowly bring that out of her a little more!
Oh and as the title says, she sleeps with her blanket over her head...probably a comfort thing...but oh how it's hard to be ok with that...I'm super paranoid about sleeping kids already and whether they are continuously breathing...and she sleeps with a blanket on her head! AHHHH....I'm learning to be a little less paranoid....  :)

Still looking for a life verse for A...but this will do for now! :)

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

~Psalm 139:13-16~

A new letter is added!

Yesterday, a new letter was added to our family initials!  An A. A for a dear sweet little girl. A little girl who is now part of our Family. We rejoice and give thanks to God for wonderfulness that we have a little girl to raise and a sister for Micah to play with! It is pretty amazing.
It all happened so incredibly fast. We had heard about a little girl (she's almost two) that needed a
home. We went to a meeting on Monday and by Wednesday she was here to stay! Talk about fast...Nice not to have to wait, but we are definitely not quite as prepared stuff wise as we probably should be, but that will come. Although, it makes it slightly more difficult as I'm not yet comfortable taking the two kids out - mostly because I don't know A well enough yet as to know how she might react! I'm sure it will come...it's only day 2 of being with her!

Ahh the joys of two children under 3. I have longed for the day....waiting patiently...sometimes impatiently for the days of two children...  So I'm super thankful that those days are finally here. Now that they are here, I'm in that period of serious adjustment....they say one to two kids is hard...I'd agree with that....especially when the 2nd is a non-verbal toddler....hahahaha....but I'll figure her out yet.... :)
Micah loves having a playmate. The two of them run around the house and well mostly just run. They make each other laugh, and Micah is always trying to interpret her to me. "No Mommy that was a laugh" "She's not banging her head, she's moving it to the music". Micah has definitely claimed that big brother role. He's mostly helpful too. But I think they exhaust each other....it's definitely melt down time about 4:00! I think Micah needs to go back to having naps!

Today I attempted to take both kids to the doctors. Probably not the best idea. I always like to think I'm strong...but today was definitely not my strongest day. But I survived and now both kids are sleeping and I have an evening of quietness ahead of me, so I definitely can't complain. And I will figure out how to accomplish my daily tasks again amidst the chaos that is now my days...wonderful chaos...trying chaos...but at least there is some chaos now.  I'm am definitely looking forward to finding better ways of communicating with A though...more than the yelling and throwing things....eek! Working hard on the baby sign language for sure! :) I'm so interested to see what the difference will be a month down the road, 6 months down the road....a year down the road....as I grow closer to little A and learn all I can about her.

God has seen fit to bring this little miracle into our lives at just the right time and in just the right way...I need to keep trusting Him for my daily strength as I live through each day just like I have been all along. :)

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

~Psalm 84:7~

"Already There"

Just read the lyrics to this song....could they be any more applicable? They are so meaningful in all the ups and downs of life, to remind us of the grand design in which we fit, that God already has prepared and knows how it will all play out, even though we only get the day to day stuff.

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

 From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
 
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

 One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

You are already there

"Already There" by Casting Crowns

A verse for thought

One of the blogs I read had this verse on it today, and I thought it was quite interesting. What an interesting verse and a new perspective to think about.

 

Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time.

But no one seems to care or wonder why.

No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.

~Isaiah 57:1~

 

Just a little something to think about.

How when our loved ones pass from this earth - If they are believers of our Holy and Awesome God, or too young to make that decision for themselves, they are welcomed into God's presence...indeed saving them (protecting them) from the all the evil this world holds.

Just something to think about.

"We Won't Be Shaken"

This song seems to sum up a lot of my feelings over the past little while...Standing still and not being shaken, even when it seems easier to just give in and crumble.  It's definitely a good one to have playing around and around in my head...especially as we face a multitude of unknowns...

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know You go before me and I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
The way seems so unclear
But I know that You go with me so I will never fear
I will trust in You

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause You are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's Your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than You and You alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken

We will trust in You
We will not be moved
We will trust in You
And we won't be shaken
~Lyrics from "We Won't Be Shaken" by Building 429~

A rough day

As Mother's Day came, I was reminded of the fact that at this point in my life I had been hoping to be raising two maybe three kids. Sadly, I'm currently raising only one (one really great little boy) but just one. It's at this point that I am reminded of what a huge failure I am as a Mother. What kind of mother loses two children before they are born? Somehow I should have been able to protect them - to keep them from harm. If not Jaimie than, than somehow I should have known that Kalyna was in trouble. It's one of those mom instincts to want to protect and keep our children safe. Unfortunately, mothers' can protect their children from some things, but not all things. Many things are way out of our control. It truly is God who holds our children in His hands. There are things we have to leave up to His loving hands and trust that He loves them more than we do. Here is how we know: (this has become one of my favourite passages in the Bible)

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:1-18

 

This goes for us and our children.

Open

Open....

(having the interior immediately accessible, as a box with the lid raised or a drawer that is pulled out.)
-very symbolic of what your life is like once you open it up to a public foster/adoption agency.

This week our doors will open, our home will be open, our hearts will be open... open to take in little ones who need a home...whether temporary, long term or for a lifetime. Only time will tell that story.

Now we simply continue on, waiting to embrace the children that God will send our way.
I was having a hard time waiting in April for whatever was to come...now we have an adoption worker and a resource worker, so I am confident that if they come across a child in need, they'll consider us for a match. I don't wish for children to need to leave their families....so in a way it will be a good thing to wait for awhile, because hopefully that means kids are thriving in their own families...but if there are children who need a home, we are ready.

Thank you for your prayers....it feels wonderful to be finished with that long process. Not that I don't agree with the long process...it's good to make sure that you have committed people and safe people when it comes to the fostering and adopting of children.

Looking forward to seeing who our home becomes open to.

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Hebrews 13:20-21

Thoughts

Just some verses regarding the thoughts/mind of God. Amazing how God's thoughts are so encompassing and yet He is faithful and continues to reveal His thoughts to His children. He gives us the Holy Spirit and the Bible to be able to know His thoughts. It is empowering when I think about all the tough decisions coming our way. I will be continually praying that I might have the mind of God in all my comings and goings. That I am always looking with the perspective of God. That people, children around me need Him...and that's really all it comes down to. That is our purpose in life. That is the will of God - to point others to the love that Jesus has for them. Something that should be on my mind in all my daily occurances...but to be honest, isn't always...definitely something to think about...especially in my daily struggles of what I want vs. what God wants...

He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn into darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth - the Lord God Almighty is his name.
~Amos 4:13~

Surely the Sovereign Lord does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants the prophets.
~Amos 3:7~

How great are you works, Lord, how profound your thoughts.
~Psalm 92:5~


We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”

the things God has prepared for those who love him—these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ.

~1 Corinthians 2:6-16~

Waiting

Waiting.
Definitely not my favourite word.

...it makes me afraid that if I wait too long, I will enjoy/like life too much as it is and will find it too difficult to re-adjust once a change has been made...it's been almost three years since I've had an infant in the house...
...it's difficult to wait for a change while trying to continue on as normal, and trying not to obsess over the change
...hard to wait for the unknown
...knowing when to wait and when to move (if we are able to) is also difficult
Waiting also comes with a million questions....and although questions are good...they are extremely overwhelming. My mind seems to be on overdrive sometimes, because I'm waiting and not doing...so I have way too much time to think sometimes...and it drives me up the wall. I have to be really in control of my thoughts, but there are times when they escape my careful hold on them. I just have to keep reigning them in until the unknown becomes known. And certainly that won't be until God's timing is right.

I must say, though, that this process is one that certainly seems unending. I wish that I could have had a list of all the meetings and steps that come before your home is considered "open".
Now we have a resource worker, but now she needs to come out to the house and do another safety inspection and update our profile. We completed both of these 3 weeks ago and now they have to do it again? Seems a little redundant to me. I would have liked to have known about this instead of thinking that we are "open" now. So confusing. But here we are. Now we wait till the beginning of May for another worker to come out and do the safety check again before we are open. So two more weeks of waiting coming our way.

And so we continue to wait and wait and wait it seems...although in the end, all the waiting will be worth it and we won't remember the waiting period. I know I am growing through the waiting period as well. Trying to focus on growing closer to God and learning and listening to what He wants from me. Trying to be ready for whatever may come our way. Making sure that I am ready to put the child's needs in front of my own needs, to do whatever is best for the child. Being open to things I may not be totally comfortable with, but if they are in the best interest of the child, than being open to working through it (for example, openess in an adoption).

In the meantime life goes on. I'm thankful for my Albert and my Micah to care for and my job at the church and any other volunteering and visiting that I do. I guess we'll wait and see what May brings.

I'll leave you with this passage from Isaiah.

But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’ Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth— everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:1-7~

Joy

So it's been a rough go lately, but I think I'm finally on the upswing again now.
I've decided that I need to concentrate on reading verses on Joy right now. I need to make sure that I have joy from Jesus and not let circumstances and my life dictate that. (It's also one of the words Micah has learned to spell...very random...came from a song...but joy is his favourite word to spell right now!)

We have currently come as far as we can with our adopt/foster to adopt process. Our 18 page home study has been submitted, and now we just wait. Wait to hear from the adoption worker/resource worker that we are assigned to, and then more waiting. Waiting is hard. It's been almost 9 months since our precious girl passed away, and 21 months since our Jaimie passed away. We've been anticipating/waiting for a child to raise since then. That is a long time to wait for someone when you have this burning desire deep within for another child. (although I do realize that some people are never able to have a child, and I know we are blessed with Micah to raise). I sometimes wonder why this desire is there. Why can't I simply be content with one child to raise especially with all the other things that I do. But no matter how many times I try to tell myself that, this desire I've had from childhood bubbles up threatening to overwhelm me. But I trust in God's timing, He has carried us through the last two years, and He will carry us through the next 20 + years with or without another child. I trust in Him, I love Him and I know He has a will and a purpose in all of this. So I will strive to be joyful. Joyful in all I do....although I may not always come across that way, I tend to be serious most of the time....playfulness and silliness have never been my strong suit, but I will be joyful.

Here are a few joyful verses that I've found...and as I read over the next few days, I'll be adding to this list.
No matter what our life's circumstances, if we know Jesus, we can have His joy.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.
~Psalm 126:5-6~

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, Lord God Almighty.
~Jeremiah 15:16~

"However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
~Luke 10:20~

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~John 10:10~ 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
~Philippians 4:4~

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18~

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
~James 1:2-5~

It gave me great joy when some believers came and testified about your faithfulness to the truth, telling how you continue to walk in it. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
~3 John 1:3-4~

Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.
~Psalm 119:111-112~

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.
~Jeremiah 31:25 NLT~

Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts.
~Psalm 119:2 NLT~

How joyful are those who fear the Lord - all who follow his ways!
~Psalm 128:1 NLT~

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.
~Psalm 30:11 NLT~

Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you.
~Psalm 86:4~

When I said, "my foot is slipping," your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
~Psalm 94:18-19~

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
~Job 8:21~

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.
~Nehemiah 8:10~

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
~John 15:9-12~