In "awe"

Well, it's been almost two months now since we've had A with us as apart of our forever family! For the most part, it's really starting to feel like she's always been with us! I think she is definitely growing more attached to us as well. It really seems like her anger is disapating and her smiles are more abundant now. I think we have more good days/moments than we do bad now too! Albert was off this past week and we had a lovely time. We visited a little zoo, a children's museum, the family farm and had some quality time at home. It was really great. We enjoyed Albert's week off immensely.
A new thing that little A has started to do that is super sweet is she has this blanket that she will put up to the side of her head and say "awwwww". Just recently she has started coming up to me and saying "awww" with her head against my leg. Hehehehe...so super cute! I think we are building a bond....although the downside slight downside that is...is that it seems that she freaks out everytime I leave a room....unless well distracted. But I've definitely noticed that it's a control thing...we were watching some info videos regarding making connections with adopted children and it was talking about how these children haven't had control, so control is important to them. When I leave a room it causes her stress, but if she leaves the room, she's in control....she's leaving me so that's ok, but if I leave, she's not in control, so she reacts. So I'll try to minimize the stress....but oh it's hard when I can't have a couple minutes alone in the bathroom without her reacting....but Albert is getting good at distracting :)

The other "awe" moment I had was just contemplating and re-reading some blog entries...it's really quite amazing to read over and see how God has been working in our lives over the past year. I'm totally in awe of Him. He is truly an amazing God and I'm in awe of the way He works. This beautiful little girl is the one we prayed for. The one we were in love with before she even came. We longed for her from the very beginning of this journey. God works in many ways that we don't understand. He answers prayers in many ways that we don't understand. But one thing we do understand is that God works are for His glory in furthering His Kingdom and I pray that lives might be changed by our story.

Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord. Repeat them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.
~Habakkuk 3:2~

Challenges

Most people who have adopted/fostered will tell you that it's definitely not without it's challenges.
Generally, as with most things, you can't understand the challenges until you are in the middle of it. I am blessed to know a wonderful woman who let me into her life and shared with me some of the challenges she's had with her adopted child. I think that it definitely helped to have some knowledge of trials and struggles that come with adoption before we adopted. I am very thankful for that, especially as we now deal with many struggles of our own. I know though, that parenting itself, any child really, has it's definite challenges. Being a parent is definitely not an easy task. You definitely grow to appreciate your parents way more than you ever did before once you become a parent - and I might add a parent of more than one!

Now I know that I tend to gloss over a lot of things and look more to the positive. I try to stay positive always, and know that God is providing strength for the day to day. But to keep being honest, there is definitely one challenge that I struggle with immensely. We have many challenges...as do all parents with their children, but there is this one thing that I just can't figure out. There are times when our adopted daughter will cry for seemingly no reason. It's a sudden onset of crocodile tears and inconsolableness. It's different from the normal, I fell down and I'm hurt cry. Or the I'm hungry cry, or the I'm annoyed cry, or I'm mad at you cry....we've learned all these cries. But then there is this one cry that just seems to be persistent for a good 10-15 minutes, and then as suddenly as it starts, it stops. I try milk (she loves her milk), I try food, I hold her with her blanket and bounce her, we sing, we try desperately to find a way to comfort her...and it just doesn't seem to work. It's super frustrating....we check her temperature, it's normal. She's not pulling on an ear, she's not holding her stomach, she's not doing anything except crying. We have come to the conclusion that maybe it's teething....I think she is getting her two year molars...but I don't really know. I have nothing to compare it to. Once it stops she's as happy as can be again. She runs around, eats, drinks, is affectionate...I don't know. It's hard not knowing what she was like from infancy to know what this could be. It doesn't happen very often. Hardly ever. But when it does, it's really hard because it's really hard to watch your child cry and have no idea why....Anyways, as time goes on I'm sure will figure out more of what it could be. And if it's teething, those teeth better show up really soon!!
But I'll leave you with a verse of strength, to keep seeing the Lord's face even when times get difficult or busy...it's definitely easy to leave out the seeking the Lord part of our busy days...but that is how we find strength to continue on with our busy days. I know it's hard to do my reading and praying during the day now because it is rare that I have a moment of peace to do that...so it gets pushed to naptime or after the kids are in bed, when I feel that there are a million other things to do...but despite the million of other things that need doing....seeking the Lord should be at the top of my list to do first. Seeking the Lord - to be renewed by Him and strengthened by Him for the minutes, hours, days that lie ahead. As it's only in His strength will I accomplish what He wants me to do and with the attitude that He wants me to accomplish it with.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
~Psalm 105:4~

Two!

It's kind of fun having these moments now...it's cheesy I know, but I'm going to share it anyways...

Today, we walked to the park. It's just down our street...Micah rode his tricycle there and A held my hand and walked all the way there...(major accomplishment here...A holding my hand and walking all the way there with no issues! Amazing!! Loved that so much! I'm thinking walking is in now and stroller is out...)
Anyways...so we are playing at the park. It's just a little park, not too much to do, but there is a teeter totter/seesaw, whatever you want to call it. As I put A on one side and Micah took the other...I flashed back to all the times I put Micah on this teeter totter and had to push the other side myself. Up and down, up and down...Micah going by himself...and me making noises so it feels fun...now Micah has someone to sit with on the teeter totter and look at and laugh with as it goes up and down...I still have to help push them...but there are two of them on it...it made my heart really happy that there isn't an empty seat on the teeter totter anymore...  :)
Thanks for letting me share :)

Also a cute moment from the day...Micah giving A a kiss on the cheek and A actually blowing him a kiss back....oh goodness melt my heart! :) They definitely have some cute moments together...a lot of crazy moments and melt down moments.....but the cute moments sure make up for the other moments.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.

 ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a~

 

(this in no way applies that everyone should have more than one child...one child is great for sure...I had this verse in my head as the kids were playing just cause I enjoyed that there were two of them - and seeing how they can be together, and will hopefully be there for each other through life.)

A Moment of Peace

Today was one of those days where for a moment time stood still and I was able to breath and truly thank God for His love and faithfulness.
After a terrible day yesterday - one of those days that just wouldn't ever end and then when it did it ended with a goose egg, (I was right in front of her and she tripped over her feet ---one of those moments you wish you could have seen in advance and prevented...and then feel horrible for not being able too...ugh. Just a wretched day.)
So I decided today we were going to be out of the house.
We spent a lovely morning at church - I enjoyed teaching the Sunday School kids - we had a great morning learning about encouragement! :)
After church we headed out to the farm. I was hoping the kids would nap on the way there, which they did a bit, but when they did wake up, they did a fairly good job of being content the rest of the way...A still is definitely not a great traveler...but hopefully that will come with time!
We really had a wonderful time at the farm. It was on and off rainy, but walking around the barn, walking around outside and playing inside - we had a great time. We found out A loves tractors! Who knew! She pointed at them, and kept wanting to climb into them. Of course Poppers loved that and indulged! I think A had a ride in every tractor on the farm! She and Micah both had like a twenty minute ride around the farm. It was great! :)
But the biggest blessing of the day came when Micah was inside reading stories with Grannie and A was riding on the tractor with Poppers and I happened to find myself alone looking up at a crazy sky. The sky was changing between crazy rain clouds and blue sky with white clouds and sun. I stopped for a minute and had an interesting realization. Over the past year, every time we were at the farm and I was alone, I was depressed. I felt as though I was very unneeded. When there are 6 adults and one child....the person the child is with most, is the one that he doesn't need when there are other people around...I always felt very depressed and that I should be enjoying this time or looking after my daughter...still being busy. But today, when I was standing outside gazing at the constantly changing crazy sky, I didn't feel depressed because I was alone. I felt joy. I felt contentment. I felt peace. I felt full. I enjoyed the few moments of peace. I was thankful for the few moments of peace. It was such a different feeling than I've had before. I couldn't do anything but praise God for this new feeling...and thank Him for all He has done and for strength to continue.
I am thankful for a wonderful day, and I am thankful that God is changing my heart. He is working miracles everyday.

For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

~Psalm 108:4~ 

Kalyna

I shall never tire of writing her name. Kalyna Leanne Siertsema....I was still torn between what her short form would have been...I had thought either Kaly or Lyna.....but I don't think it would have been either because Micah continues to call her Kyna....so I'm guessing that's what her short form would have been. Oh how I miss her. How I long to hold her in my arms again and kiss her soft cheeks. To comb through her curly dark hair and to see if her eyes really are that deep blue colour.

Oh to see a smile light up your face and a hand reach out to hold mine.
Someday I know someday. Someday I'll see you run towards me with that big smile on your face and hear you affectionately call me "Mommy". Someday. 

One thing I have learned....the waiting time is hard....but when the waiting is over, and the time has come...you don't remember the waiting and the longing. Those days are long and forgotten. It will be the now that counts and how wonderful it will be.

And so we continue on, onwards in this journey through life, knowing that we need to touch as many lives as we can while we're here, so that there may be more joyful reunions in Heaven because of lives being changed. I know I am certainly looking forward to my reunion...meeting Jesus and being in awe of how deeply He loves us, and part of His great love will be seeing my Kalyna alive and radiant....and my Jaimie too! :)

And until then, I have a renewed sense of purpose here...as I continue to raise my children here...Micah and A to hopefully come to know the Lord as their friend and Saviour at a young age...and serve my husband, family, friends, church family and community and beyond, so that others' lives may be changed by the love of our Saviour Jesus.

I leave you with a verse that came today...
Yet I am always with you, You hold me by my right hand.
~Psalm 73:23~
-this verse is true...I know it to be true...I've been led along this past year specifically because I did not have the strength to continue on alone....there is no other explanation except that God had me by the hand and was leading me onwards...
If you are struggling today with things that are bigger than you can handle...find strength and hope in our Saviour. He will give you hope even in the darkness and strength to find the light.

July

And it's July....the month I had been dreading for awhile now. A month that has so many ups and downs.
July 11, 2011 - Jaimie passed away
July 11, 2012 - Kalyna's birth day (she passed away July 10)

And then there is July 14 - Micah's birthday (which last year was Kalyna's funeral service)

And now it's July 2013 - And yesterday, July 2nd, we signed the adoption papers for our new adopted daughter.

I have been pondering all of this recently in my mind...and there are a few things that I need to do some writing about.
This July was going to be especially difficult, celebrating Kalyna's one year in Heaven. Although there are many positives to that - she is safe, happy, healthy, and with Jesus - she still left a very large hole in our family and in our hearts. We miss her ever so much.
Her passing started our adoption journey much earlier than we had anticipated....

If you've been reading for awhile than you know that we were open to fostering to adopt, fostering or adopting. We were open to any child, any origin, any gender - we had said preferably under 3 (younger than Micah)...although we had been considering what it might be like to adopt older children...
Then June comes along....we hear about a little girl who is already a crown ward and is in need of a forever family. She'd been bounced a little in the past few months, and was passed over by other families for various reasons. She has no access to family for various reasons and thus it's a closed adoption, which doesn't happen much these days because its good for kids to know or have some connection to their biological family in some way. This little girl doesn't have that either. We are her family now. Sure she will know she is adopted, we won't hide that from her, but we will be her forever family. The one she can count on to not let her go.
So in all the possibilities that there were, we, before we reached Kalyna's 1 year mark, have added a little girl (20 months old) - our beautiful A, to our family - who is not being fostered, but being adopted forever into our family. Yes it has it's challenges...we certainly are busy now...but we will be celebrating Kalyna's one year in Heaven with another little girl in our arms. One that came to us from another family, but from God none the less. She was created and formed and made by Him and His hand has been on her from the very start. God gave her to us.

Is it not amazing the way our Heavenly Father works? He has blessed us with another daughter...one that we will have the privilege of raising. Our Heavenly Father answers prayers. He cares for us, He loves us, He carries us through the hard devastating times. He never lets us go. He didn't let me drown in despair last July....He pulled me out and gave me hope...and now He has given us our new daughter. His timing is also incredible. That He would provide a way to ease our pain this July...we still miss Kalyna, and will forever and she will always be on my mind...but God has given us joy through the pain as well....in the form of a very spunky little girl who will keep us on our toes.
God continues to prove faithful over and over again...and I know He will prove faithful in this new journey we are on as well. Looking back over my blogs from the last year...just helps me realize all the more how God has been seeing us through and had this in mind from the very beginning. He knew what was going to happen and He had this little girl for us even back then - even though we had no idea.

I'll leave you with my favourite verse which never ceases to take on new meanings....

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

 ~Jeremiah 29:11~

1 week

Well we have reached the one week mark with our newest addition!
Today has been a good day! To think that last Wednesday there was still quite a bit of head banging and hitting herself....(not sure if those are comfort things, or learned things...) but they are subsiding thankfully!! She's definitely bonding well with us. Sunday night she had some alone time with Albert, and I think it was definitely trial by fire....they had such a rough time..(I think she is used to a female caregiver) however, since then, every time Albert walks into a room after being gone, she gives him the biggest smile and will often run to him! It's so adorable!
It's funny, you can definitely tell that our family has had an adjustment...our usually fairly quiet days are now full of noise, laughter, some crying, some chaos...but are definitely full full days! Currently, Everyone is napping except me. That's right. A is sleeping for her nap and Micah and Albert are having an impromptu nap on the couch while they were supposedly watching Thomas the Train. It's now playing and the two of them are sound asleep.... Me I'm waiting for my coffee to be done to get me through the end of the day! Albert has been hanging out around the house for the past few days...working from home, or going to work in the afternoon to help with the adjustment and to continue to bond with A. It's been quite the adjustment...and at times very overwhelming, but we are coming along. We have our good moments and bad moments...but generally every day gets a little better.
I'm so glad that it is summer as A loves to play outside...put her in front of some water and she is all the way in. The outside has definitely helped me out a lot....although a fence would be helpful as A also loves to run....it's hilarious cause she runs in such a toddler way, while shaking her head....pretty sure she's going to fall over every time she does it!
Well that's about it for now I guess...probably should get some stuff done....our house has definitely seen better days.....well better in terms of tidy...however it is much fuller now and that is an amazing gift! Our yellow farm room has it's occupant now! :)

Here's a verse I found last night that I liked so I'll leave you with it! (so glad that our God goes before us :)

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

 ~Deuteronomy 31:8~