That seemed to be the question that I ask over and over.
I have always wanted a big family. I love kids. I've always wanted a busy family. While I was pregnant with Kalyna, Albert and I had decided that we would have our two kids and then we would look into adopting to grow our family. There are so many kids on this earth that need families.
This decision wasn't one we made lightly. Over the past year we had been hearing a lot about adoption and both of us have felt our hearts being pulled in that direction. After our beautiful little girl passed away, I felt like I needed to do something. I felt like since our Kalyna will never experience pain, sickness, sadness or hurt in this world, that maybe we could help some other kids who are experiencing these things. There are a lot of kids that are or will experience these things with no one to walk through it with them. Maybe since Jesus is raising our beautiful daughter who won't experience the hurt that earth brings, that maybe there are other children we can help. Children, who through no fault of their own, are in situations that leave them in need of a family to love them.
We are not looking to replace our daughter. Kalyna is our daughter forever and for always. She will always be loved and remembered. She will be our eldest daughter always. We love her so much.
And so, we are moving forward in the adoption process. Looking forward to seeing who God brings into our forever family. We are ready to love and embrace more children into our home. We are looking forward to giving Micah siblings that he can grow up with, and we will forever look forward to the day when we can introduce Micah and our other children to our other kids, Kalyna and Jaimie in Heaven one day.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
One of those days
It's just one of those days again. It reminds me why I don't spend too much time at home. When I'm at home I think too much, especially when I'm cleaning. I decided to clean our bedroom today. That meant I had to organize all of my Kalyna things. I also put away all my maternity clothes. It all hurts. I don't think the pain will ever go away, but then do I really want it to go away? I want to remember my precious girl always. It's hard to create happy memories when you don't have any...but still I will remember her beautifulness and her preciousness.
I still have my little Micah running around, having conversations with me, with himself and with toys. He has quite the crazy imagination. Right now he is pretending to be sleeping on a chip closer clip pretending it's a bed. Then he pretended to jump on the bed, and then said "jump on bed then fall" - meaning if you jump on the bed you'll fall off...something we've told him. Oh he makes me laugh.
Just one of those bittersweet days.
I still have my little Micah running around, having conversations with me, with himself and with toys. He has quite the crazy imagination. Right now he is pretending to be sleeping on a chip closer clip pretending it's a bed. Then he pretended to jump on the bed, and then said "jump on bed then fall" - meaning if you jump on the bed you'll fall off...something we've told him. Oh he makes me laugh.
Just one of those bittersweet days.
Bible verses for Strength
It took some time, but after all the comfort verses, I was in need of verses for strength. Verses that would encourage me to continue on. Here are some of the verses that I found encouraging and that gave me strength to keep moving. Feel free to pass them along and I hope you find them encouraging and strengthening as well.
There are so many, so I will just put down the references for some, and write out others.
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
~Psalm 62:8~
But the Lord is faithful and will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.
~2 Thessalonians 3:3~
...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
~Psalm 139:10~
The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.
~Psalm 145:13b~
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
~Phillippians 4:13~
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.
~Psalm 118:13-14~
But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.
~2 Timothy 4:17~
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
~2 Thessalonians 2:16~
Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
~Ephesians 6:10-11~
You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.
~2 Timothy 2:1~
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
~Colossians 3:2~
The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him.
~Psalm 146:17-20a~
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Saviour from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
~Philippians 3:20-21~
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
~1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14~
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~Ephesians 3:16-19~
I eagerly expect and hope that I will be in no way ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death.
~Philippians 1:20~
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
~Psalm 16:8~
However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for those who love him.
~1 Corinthians 2:9~
...that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured.
~Colossians 4:12b~
May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.
~2 Thessalonians 3:5~
Philippians 3:14
1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Psalm 40:5
2 Timothy 1:7
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:38
1 Timothy 4:8-10
Ephesians 2:10
Psalm 42:11
Philippians 1:6
1 Corinthians 15:58
Colossians 2:6
1 Corinthians 2:2
Psalm 40:1-3
Philippians 2:12-13
Ephesians 1:11
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
~2 Thessalonians 2:16~
There are so many, so I will just put down the references for some, and write out others.
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
~Psalm 62:8~
But the Lord is faithful and will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.
~2 Thessalonians 3:3~
...even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
~Psalm 139:10~
The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.
~Psalm 145:13b~
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
~Phillippians 4:13~
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.
~Psalm 118:13-14~
But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it.
~2 Timothy 4:17~
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
~2 Thessalonians 2:16~
Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
~Ephesians 6:10-11~
You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.
~2 Timothy 2:1~
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
~Colossians 3:2~
The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him.
~Psalm 146:17-20a~
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Saviour from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
~Philippians 3:20-21~
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
~1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14~
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~Ephesians 3:16-19~
I eagerly expect and hope that I will be in no way ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death.
~Philippians 1:20~
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
~Psalm 16:8~
However, as it is written: "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived" the things God has prepared for those who love him.
~1 Corinthians 2:9~
...that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured.
~Colossians 4:12b~
May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance.
~2 Thessalonians 3:5~
Philippians 3:14
1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Psalm 40:5
2 Timothy 1:7
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:38
1 Timothy 4:8-10
Ephesians 2:10
Psalm 42:11
Philippians 1:6
1 Corinthians 15:58
Colossians 2:6
1 Corinthians 2:2
Psalm 40:1-3
Philippians 2:12-13
Ephesians 1:11
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
~2 Thessalonians 2:16~
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Bible verses for Comfort
Here are the verses that I used for comfort. People sent us verses, I took verses off of cards and I scoured my Bible for comfort verses. When words don't help - there really is nothing one can say - Bible verses are often the biggest source of comfort as they help give you an eternal perspective (as our pastor would say) and when tragedy's occur, an eternal perspective is so important in helping one continue on.
Please use these verses and share them with others. I sincerely hope that they will point you towards an eternal perspective - our God of love - as they did with me....I clung to these verses of truth as a source of hope and light when darkness and dispair wanted to take over.
Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5~
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plnas to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." ~Jeremiah 29:11-13~
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
~Revelation 21:4-5~
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. ~Isaiah 25:8~
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalm 34:18~
You who are my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me. ~Jeremiah 8:18~
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. ~Psalm 56:8~
"It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them." ~Hosea 11:3-4~
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. ~Psalm 23:4~
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. ~Isaiah 40:11~
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. ~Isaiah 49:16~
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. ~Isaiah 49:13~
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10~
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zephaniah 3:17~
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of dispair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. ~Isaiah 61:1-3~
I will give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father who has given them to me, is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." ~John 10:28-30~
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." ~Matthew 19:14~
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~Matthew 6:19-21~
Please use these verses and share them with others. I sincerely hope that they will point you towards an eternal perspective - our God of love - as they did with me....I clung to these verses of truth as a source of hope and light when darkness and dispair wanted to take over.
Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-5~
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plnas to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." ~Jeremiah 29:11-13~
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
~Revelation 21:4-5~
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. ~Isaiah 25:8~
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalm 34:18~
You who are my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me. ~Jeremiah 8:18~
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. ~Psalm 56:8~
"It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love. To them I was like one who lifts a little child to the cheek, and I bent down to feed them." ~Hosea 11:3-4~
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. ~Psalm 23:4~
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. ~Isaiah 40:11~
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. ~Isaiah 49:16~
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. ~Isaiah 49:13~
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10~
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zephaniah 3:17~
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has annointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of dispair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. ~Isaiah 61:1-3~
I will give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father who has given them to me, is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." ~John 10:28-30~
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." ~Matthew 19:14~
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~Matthew 6:19-21~
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving. A holiday I had looked forward to. We have a tradition of walking in the bush at the farm and finding the creek again to see if there are any fish in it. Then we always find some clay along the shore and paint our faces...crazy I know...but ever since I've joined my husband's family, it's what we do. I love it! I had looked forward to carrying our new little one through the bush on this walk...however, I was not carrying her today physically, although was definitely carrying her in my heart.
The question posed at lunch was, what are you thankful for. Of course there were the normal answers, thankful for this wonderful meal, for family etc...all of which I am thankful for as well.
This year, the biggest thing that I am thankful for is that I had the chance to hold my daughter. We didn't have that blessing with Jaimie, but I am so thankful that I got to hold Kalyna. I was able to give birth to her - giving her a birth story, I got to hold her, to kiss her soft cheek, to see her curly dark hair, to introduce my family to her. I'm thankful that I have a daughter, eventhough she is in Heaven.
I wish I had been able to verbalize that thought at lunch, although, was feeling like I'd burst into tears if I did...and didn't want to dampen the mood...although I know that it would have been perfectly fine.
And as someone else said, they are thankful that there is a Heaven and that we will get to see Kalyna again. I agree, I am also thankful for Heaven.
I am thankful for Jesus and that He loves me, and that I can be His child because of the sacrifice He made on the cross. Because of that, I know I will see Him one day, and thus will also see my beautiful daughter again as well.
Thank you Jesus for your amazing love.
The question posed at lunch was, what are you thankful for. Of course there were the normal answers, thankful for this wonderful meal, for family etc...all of which I am thankful for as well.
This year, the biggest thing that I am thankful for is that I had the chance to hold my daughter. We didn't have that blessing with Jaimie, but I am so thankful that I got to hold Kalyna. I was able to give birth to her - giving her a birth story, I got to hold her, to kiss her soft cheek, to see her curly dark hair, to introduce my family to her. I'm thankful that I have a daughter, eventhough she is in Heaven.
I wish I had been able to verbalize that thought at lunch, although, was feeling like I'd burst into tears if I did...and didn't want to dampen the mood...although I know that it would have been perfectly fine.
And as someone else said, they are thankful that there is a Heaven and that we will get to see Kalyna again. I agree, I am also thankful for Heaven.
I am thankful for Jesus and that He loves me, and that I can be His child because of the sacrifice He made on the cross. Because of that, I know I will see Him one day, and thus will also see my beautiful daughter again as well.
Thank you Jesus for your amazing love.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Support
I cannot believe how much support we've had. It's overwhelming. I really had no idea how much people care and will support you when you need it.
Our family was incredibly supportive. They were present at the hospital, showing us support, refusing to let us go through it alone, yet giving us the space we needed. They took care of details and cherished the moments they had with our daughter/their granddaughter. They were there for us. Going through it with us and grieving with us. Our immediate family all should their support by coming for Kalyna's service and spending time celebrating her brief life. To our families, thank you.
Our friends were there for us as well. I had to post something on facebook regarding what had happend as I had been talking about my pregnancy on facebook. So many comments were left after that post. So many people telling me they were thinking of us and praying for us and sending hugs our way. Everyone's comments were so precious to me. Letters, cards, emails, gifts, food, verses - so many ways that people showed they cared and that they loved us and our daughter too. We'd only been at our church for just over a year, and the love and support from our church family was overwhelming. Our pastor and his family even left their vacation early to come and do our daughter's service. We had meals from our church family and cards, emails, prayers. So much support. So much love. I can only hope that we can show the same kind of love to others in their time of need.
I just have to put a little plug in for a church family.
Many people wonder why one would be a part of a church...why is it important...well I believe one of those reasons (that is one of many reasons) is to do life with each other. Life is hard. It's impossible when you try to go it alone. When you have people around you who care for you and love you, it makes it possible to get through life.
So I know I haven't said it enough, but thank you so much to all our family and friends who are continuing to support us and are praying for us. We so appreciate all of you.
Our family was incredibly supportive. They were present at the hospital, showing us support, refusing to let us go through it alone, yet giving us the space we needed. They took care of details and cherished the moments they had with our daughter/their granddaughter. They were there for us. Going through it with us and grieving with us. Our immediate family all should their support by coming for Kalyna's service and spending time celebrating her brief life. To our families, thank you.
Our friends were there for us as well. I had to post something on facebook regarding what had happend as I had been talking about my pregnancy on facebook. So many comments were left after that post. So many people telling me they were thinking of us and praying for us and sending hugs our way. Everyone's comments were so precious to me. Letters, cards, emails, gifts, food, verses - so many ways that people showed they cared and that they loved us and our daughter too. We'd only been at our church for just over a year, and the love and support from our church family was overwhelming. Our pastor and his family even left their vacation early to come and do our daughter's service. We had meals from our church family and cards, emails, prayers. So much support. So much love. I can only hope that we can show the same kind of love to others in their time of need.
I just have to put a little plug in for a church family.
Many people wonder why one would be a part of a church...why is it important...well I believe one of those reasons (that is one of many reasons) is to do life with each other. Life is hard. It's impossible when you try to go it alone. When you have people around you who care for you and love you, it makes it possible to get through life.
So I know I haven't said it enough, but thank you so much to all our family and friends who are continuing to support us and are praying for us. We so appreciate all of you.
She's gone
Again life felt like it should just stop. Stop. No more. No one else should be able to keep going on with their lives. Life should be over. But it doesn't work like that...
What were we to do now? Our Kalyna, the one we had been waiting for for nine months plus was gone. We came home to an empty house, an empty baby room. There was no baby crying, no putting the other carseat in the car, no sibling for Micah to be jealous over. Nothing appeared to have changed. But so much had changed. What do we do now? That was the question that I asked over and over again. What do I do now?
Well, in all of that, as easy as it would be to simply give up, it didn't seem possible. I was being upheld by a power stronger than me. It wouldn't let me give up. It wouldn't let me lay down and die. It propelled me onward saying that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that I needed to be present in my life to be used to allow that purpose to transpire. If I gave up, than my daughter's life was for nothing. It was God's power holding me up, keeping me from crumbling. It was God who said that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that if I continued to allow God to work in my life and use me that her purpose would come to be. I had given God my baby when I was newly pregnant and said that I trusted Him, well now I had to practice what I believed. Yes, the worst happened, but I had to keep trusting that God still has a plan and purpose despite all that happened. And what about all those prayers that I prayed every day that my baby would be safe and healthy? Well as my amazing husband says, God technically did answer our prayers. Our Kalyna is safe and healthy. I hadn't thought about it that way. But it was so true. Our Kalyna would never have to experience the pain, hurt, devastation, sickness, sadness, sorrow that this world can bring. She is forever happy in the presence of our Saviour Jesus. She is forever full of love, praising our Saviour on the streets of gold. Forever dancing. Forever innocent and pure. As someone said to me recently, if we can't raise our child, then who better but God to raise our child. It's so true. He's the best, most loving parent there is.
All that being said, we are still here without her. As you can imagine, that is not an easy task. All I want is to hold her again. To kiss her soft cheek, to have sleepless nights, to struggle with breastfeeding, to fall asleep singing to her, to listen to her gurgles and to see the first smile...etc...and on and on I could go. But what does all of that accomplish? well nothing really. Again, as my husband says, she wasn't meant to be in our daily life. She was meant for those 39 weeks. Great things for God will come out of those 39 weeks. We can't spend our time picturing her in our life as she wasn't meant to be in our life in a physical way. As our pastor said, God desires life, so I don't believe that He took her, but this world is controlled by evil - ever since Adam and Eve - it has been controlled by evil. Dangers of being in the womb are one of those consequences of the evil world. However, despite the things that happen as a result of this world, God is still working things for His glory, so others will come to know Him and join Him in Heaven one day. Do I believe God could have saved her - absolutely - He can do all things. Why He chose not to, I don't know, only that it must mean that His glory will be greater with this outcome. With that being the case, I want to make sure that His glory shines from my daughter's life. That God is glorified through her life.
Another thing I struggle with and have to be careful about is letting my thoughts go to "it's not fair". Why is it, that 6 of my friends all have their healthy baby girls born this year and I don't? Why do I have to watch 6 little girls grow up and not being able to experience my own little girl growing up? Why will those 6 little girls not have the priveldge of being my daughter's friends? But again, that kind of thinking only leads to trouble. Life is not fair. It never has been. My life isn't the worst life there is...many people lose children, many people lose multiple children. It's not fair...is not a statment worth contemplating at all. Those little girls are each unique and special in their own way. I will choose (with God's strength) to love each of them and be a loving presence in their lives. I will not be jealous or resentful. Yes, some days I might be a little sad, but each of those little girls will be so precious to me and I will cherish every minute I spend with each of them.
As I sit here writing...it's really no wonder why I feel tired all the time. Everything I do now in life is a choice. I have to fight off the urge to do what is easy and choose to make the right choices. Everyday I need to choose to accept the strength, courage and love that God gives to me. His strength to make the right choices. His courage to live my day with purpose - purpose to share the Good News of Jesus with others, and His love to know that I am not worthless (two babies have died inside of me...it's easy to feel like a complete failure - and to feel that it is all my fault) but find my worth in His love.
What were we to do now? Our Kalyna, the one we had been waiting for for nine months plus was gone. We came home to an empty house, an empty baby room. There was no baby crying, no putting the other carseat in the car, no sibling for Micah to be jealous over. Nothing appeared to have changed. But so much had changed. What do we do now? That was the question that I asked over and over again. What do I do now?
Well, in all of that, as easy as it would be to simply give up, it didn't seem possible. I was being upheld by a power stronger than me. It wouldn't let me give up. It wouldn't let me lay down and die. It propelled me onward saying that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that I needed to be present in my life to be used to allow that purpose to transpire. If I gave up, than my daughter's life was for nothing. It was God's power holding me up, keeping me from crumbling. It was God who said that my daughter's life had meaning and purpose and that if I continued to allow God to work in my life and use me that her purpose would come to be. I had given God my baby when I was newly pregnant and said that I trusted Him, well now I had to practice what I believed. Yes, the worst happened, but I had to keep trusting that God still has a plan and purpose despite all that happened. And what about all those prayers that I prayed every day that my baby would be safe and healthy? Well as my amazing husband says, God technically did answer our prayers. Our Kalyna is safe and healthy. I hadn't thought about it that way. But it was so true. Our Kalyna would never have to experience the pain, hurt, devastation, sickness, sadness, sorrow that this world can bring. She is forever happy in the presence of our Saviour Jesus. She is forever full of love, praising our Saviour on the streets of gold. Forever dancing. Forever innocent and pure. As someone said to me recently, if we can't raise our child, then who better but God to raise our child. It's so true. He's the best, most loving parent there is.
All that being said, we are still here without her. As you can imagine, that is not an easy task. All I want is to hold her again. To kiss her soft cheek, to have sleepless nights, to struggle with breastfeeding, to fall asleep singing to her, to listen to her gurgles and to see the first smile...etc...and on and on I could go. But what does all of that accomplish? well nothing really. Again, as my husband says, she wasn't meant to be in our daily life. She was meant for those 39 weeks. Great things for God will come out of those 39 weeks. We can't spend our time picturing her in our life as she wasn't meant to be in our life in a physical way. As our pastor said, God desires life, so I don't believe that He took her, but this world is controlled by evil - ever since Adam and Eve - it has been controlled by evil. Dangers of being in the womb are one of those consequences of the evil world. However, despite the things that happen as a result of this world, God is still working things for His glory, so others will come to know Him and join Him in Heaven one day. Do I believe God could have saved her - absolutely - He can do all things. Why He chose not to, I don't know, only that it must mean that His glory will be greater with this outcome. With that being the case, I want to make sure that His glory shines from my daughter's life. That God is glorified through her life.
Another thing I struggle with and have to be careful about is letting my thoughts go to "it's not fair". Why is it, that 6 of my friends all have their healthy baby girls born this year and I don't? Why do I have to watch 6 little girls grow up and not being able to experience my own little girl growing up? Why will those 6 little girls not have the priveldge of being my daughter's friends? But again, that kind of thinking only leads to trouble. Life is not fair. It never has been. My life isn't the worst life there is...many people lose children, many people lose multiple children. It's not fair...is not a statment worth contemplating at all. Those little girls are each unique and special in their own way. I will choose (with God's strength) to love each of them and be a loving presence in their lives. I will not be jealous or resentful. Yes, some days I might be a little sad, but each of those little girls will be so precious to me and I will cherish every minute I spend with each of them.
As I sit here writing...it's really no wonder why I feel tired all the time. Everything I do now in life is a choice. I have to fight off the urge to do what is easy and choose to make the right choices. Everyday I need to choose to accept the strength, courage and love that God gives to me. His strength to make the right choices. His courage to live my day with purpose - purpose to share the Good News of Jesus with others, and His love to know that I am not worthless (two babies have died inside of me...it's easy to feel like a complete failure - and to feel that it is all my fault) but find my worth in His love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)