Well, things around here are looking a little bit different than they were a few weeks ago. Our little Christmas tree is up - proudly displaying our Kalyna and Jaimie beautiful snowflake ornament near the top of the tree. I do think our tree looks pretty awesome - that's mostly because I love a tree decorated by a kid. I let Micah dictate where most of the ornaments would go. Soooo we have quite a few at his level...hehehehe and then we lifted him up for a few more, but it's definitely a kid-decorated tree...love it! Yes the Christmas box came out of the basement and some Christmas decor was set up. Nothing over the top...just a few things set out...but it's definitely more Christmassy than it was before. Why the sudden change? I guess over the past few weeks I have learned a lot, and come to realize....realize again.....I probably just never considered it before, that Christmas really has nothing to do with feelings....especially my feelings.
I guess that I had become a little lost in my Bible readings...wasn't sure what to read next, what word to key in on for verses...I felt like I was lacking joy....feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how I was going to make it through this Christmas season in light of all the disappointments I've had this year. This Christmas was certainly not playing out to be the Christmas I had envisioned before July. I wasn't going to be able to spend my daughter's first Christmas with her. I wasn't sure I would be able to cope with that very well.
Well, as I think I have alluded to earlier in some of my posts, I started reading a reading plan from www.youversion.com - which is simply the Bible online...but it also has some reading plans. So I looked for one that had to do with Christmas and Joy...and then looked up the author as well. It was apparently put there exactly for me right now ....cause it's been really great at helping me to refocus on what the real and true purpose for Christmas is.
https://www.youversion.com/reading-plans/396-joy-to-your-world
It has been an amazing blessing to dive into the Christmas story that we all know so well and find out that it also has important truths for my own life as well. Especially ones that relate to my exact life now. If you're interested in reading them for yourself, check it out, I would highly recommend it! If you decide to go through the plan, you also may want to stop reading because I'm going to list some of the take home points from my devotions next! :) Or feel free to keep reading :)
1. Although Elizabeth and Zechariah had empty arms and dashed hopes, they continued to serve God wholeheartedly as the long years continued to pass.
2. Elizabeth and Zechariah continued to walk by faith and not by sight.
3. Trust God even when your circumstances are challenging. Continue to live a righeous life through days of disappointment.
4. Pray feverently, believe that God is listening to your prayers.
5. Continue to embrace a positive heart attitude.
6. Continue to pray with expectation and hope.
7. "Lord prepare me for what You are preparing for me."
8. Christmas is a moment in history when peace is abundantly possible because of the Baby who came to bring peace for all of the ages.
9. Being highly favoured by God does not mean a life of unbroken happiness nor does it promise that all of your dreams will come true.
10. That God would desire to use me at this time in history - is a gift.
11. Christmas is about the Holy Spirit bringing peace and joy through a Baby boy to the mess that we have made of planet earth.
12. Create something in me that will change this generation for the Kingdom of Christ.
13. Our plans pale in comparison to His interruptions. The most significant desire that you will ever embrace is to ask God to interrupt your life with His love and His plans.
14. Christmas is not about me. Christmas is about dying to self, to preference and to normalcy.
15. Christmas is about the intervention of God into our ordinary lives; it is about Christ being born into our disappointments and failures.
16. God is looking for those who willingly submit to His ways and plans simply because their heart completely belongs to Him.
17. God desires men and women who will allow Him to interrupt their well-thought out lives with His unbelieveable plans.
18. Do not allow Christmas to be defined by your disappointment, but allow your disappointment to be forever changed because of Christmas.
19. You are here to reveal the character and heart of God. It is what righteous people do - not only at Christmas but 365 days of the year.
20. Christmas has given us the assurance that while living on earth, we can be the beneficiaries of heaven's joy.
And that's only after reading 11 days of the 25 day plan!
I love the way it has encouraged me to re-adjust my thinking about Christmas this year. What a blessing! I hope it will be a blessing to you as well! :)
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Another good song
I think this song and the first one I posted, both pretty much sum up my feelings this Christmas.
I love how songs are capable to display feelings so well. It's just lovely. :)
Anyways enjoy! :)
"Christmas Makes Me Cry" - Matthew West & Mandisa
I think of loved ones who’ve passed away
And I pray they’re resting in a better place
I think of memories of years gone by
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of soldiers across the sea
And sometimes I wonder why it’s them instead of me
That for my freedom they give their lives
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of family, I think of home
And say a prayer for those who spend this time alone
‘Cause love can reach out into a silent night
And that’s why Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of Mary and a virgin birth
And I’m amazed by how much God thinks we are worth
That He would send His only son to die
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Christmas makes me cry
I love how songs are capable to display feelings so well. It's just lovely. :)
Anyways enjoy! :)
"Christmas Makes Me Cry" - Matthew West & Mandisa
I think of loved ones who’ve passed away
And I pray they’re resting in a better place
I think of memories of years gone by
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of soldiers across the sea
And sometimes I wonder why it’s them instead of me
That for my freedom they give their lives
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of family, I think of home
And say a prayer for those who spend this time alone
‘Cause love can reach out into a silent night
And that’s why Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of Mary and a virgin birth
And I’m amazed by how much God thinks we are worth
That He would send His only son to die
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness
Tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas
Because I know
There is peace on Earth
For every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Christmas makes me cry
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Just a good song
Just heard this on the radio...so touching & meaningful.
"This Christmas (Father Of The Fatherless)" by Toby Mac
"This Christmas (Father Of The Fatherless)" by Toby Mac
Now Jonnie never got his wish December 25th
That’s what he said when we left the orphanage
Nine years old, but Jonnie was an old soul
Gonna spend his first Christmas in a real home
Then he showed me a picture he made the night before
A drawing of a man standin’ outside the door
He said, “I see him in my dreams
He comforts me when I can’t sleep”
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas
This Christmas
“Believe in angels?”
He asked starin’ at the sky
I said I do and saw a sparkle in his eye
Big brother for the weekend, respondin’ to the season
I took the chance that givin’s better than receivin’
Two nights, a new family, some holiday cheer
We laughed and sang
Came on a midnight clear
We gave, received, and as we headed to a close
We looked to the heavens, and it started snowing blessings
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Father let us not forget
The children who are all alone this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
[James 1:27]
Religion that God our Father
Accepts as pure and faultless is this:
That we look after orphans and widows in their distress
Merry Christmas everyone
Joy to the world
The Lord is come
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
Big brother turned dad in a couple weeks
Some gifts give more than you could ever dream
Started out as a plan just to do my part,
But that little man went and stole my heart
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Father let us not forget
The children who are all alone this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
[x2]
From me and mine, to you and yours…
Merry Christmas
This year, reach out and love somebody, y’all
That’s what he said when we left the orphanage
Nine years old, but Jonnie was an old soul
Gonna spend his first Christmas in a real home
Then he showed me a picture he made the night before
A drawing of a man standin’ outside the door
He said, “I see him in my dreams
He comforts me when I can’t sleep”
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas
This Christmas
“Believe in angels?”
He asked starin’ at the sky
I said I do and saw a sparkle in his eye
Big brother for the weekend, respondin’ to the season
I took the chance that givin’s better than receivin’
Two nights, a new family, some holiday cheer
We laughed and sang
Came on a midnight clear
We gave, received, and as we headed to a close
We looked to the heavens, and it started snowing blessings
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Father let us not forget
The children who are all alone this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
[James 1:27]
Religion that God our Father
Accepts as pure and faultless is this:
That we look after orphans and widows in their distress
Merry Christmas everyone
Joy to the world
The Lord is come
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
Big brother turned dad in a couple weeks
Some gifts give more than you could ever dream
Started out as a plan just to do my part,
But that little man went and stole my heart
Father of the fatherless
Be with your sons and daughters this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Father let us not forget
The children who are all alone this Christmas, this Christmas
(You ain’t livin’ ‘til you choose to give Love and joy and peace to one of His)
Let Heaven and nature sing
Let Heaven and nature sing
[x2]
From me and mine, to you and yours…
Merry Christmas
This year, reach out and love somebody, y’all
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Prayer
Everyday I am learning, growing and being strengthened in faith. One of the things I was thinking about lately is prayer.
I started thinking, with everything that has gone on....where does prayer for what we hope to happen come into play? We pray for healing, we pray for safety, we pray for health, pray for children....but what happens when those things don't happen....someone doesn't get better, someone is hurt, or dies etc. If we believe in the will of God and that God is Sovereign then whether someone is healed or not seems to already pre-determined by His will. We can pray and pray for healing but if it isn't God's will then it won't happen....so why pray that way?
I understand praying for comfort, for strength, - I've felt those in very real ways....God has given me those for certain -something I've prayed for and I'm sure others have prayed for that for us as well.
But what about praying for events, healing, things to happen, divorces not to happen, people not to die etc...??
As I was thinking about this, I asked someone I trust and respect this question. The answer I received was quite simple yet very true and really answers the question well.
For the answer, we go to the Bible...
We are going to Matthew where the answer to this question is simply one of seeing the example that Jesus set - we're picking up the story of Jesus when He was with his disciples in the garden of Gethsemane.
Matthew 26:38-39 & 42-44
Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."
...
He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."
When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.
If you then look in Luke, while Jesus was praying we read this:
Luke 22:41-44
He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
If our goal is to be like Jesus, then we ought to pray like Jesus too. So Jesus prayed that the cross be taken away - multiple times! Yet He trusted His Father enough to know that God knew best and that ultimately it was God's will that would be done and not His own. So to me this says, (And what I was reminded of today) we ought to pray for what it is that we desire, however, pray knowing that ultimately it's going to be God's will that is done. He is sovereign and we have to trust, just like Jesus did, that God knows best. This is so hard because we can't understand it...we don't understand God's will....so it's hard to carry on....but (as I was also reminded of today) we can't just stay in the place of not understanding...we have to carry on to see what is God's will for us. To see/do what is His will for our lives. We have to carry on, and that doesn't diminish what happened, but we can't stay in that place of confusion and be consumed by it. And so we continue on - on to do what comes next.
The other thing that I realized when reading the passage in Luke, is that it says that an angel appeared to Jesus and strengthened Him. This makes me think that, it's true, God didn't take away the cross from Jesus - it was part of His greater plan - the plan of our Salvation - but He did give Jesus strength and comfort to get through the awfulness of it all. It was truly awful...something Jesus didn't want to go through either. The physical pain, the emotional pain. Simply horrific. But He overcame it victoriously. He continued through...He never gave up.
So all this summed up to me says, we pray and we continue to pray just like Jesus did. Pray for our desires, yet pray that God's will be done...and if God's will is different from our desires, then He will provide us with what we need to continue on, as difficult as it might be, and as awful as the situation may seem to us. For our God is Sovereign, all knowing and is LOVE.
I started thinking, with everything that has gone on....where does prayer for what we hope to happen come into play? We pray for healing, we pray for safety, we pray for health, pray for children....but what happens when those things don't happen....someone doesn't get better, someone is hurt, or dies etc. If we believe in the will of God and that God is Sovereign then whether someone is healed or not seems to already pre-determined by His will. We can pray and pray for healing but if it isn't God's will then it won't happen....so why pray that way?
I understand praying for comfort, for strength, - I've felt those in very real ways....God has given me those for certain -something I've prayed for and I'm sure others have prayed for that for us as well.
But what about praying for events, healing, things to happen, divorces not to happen, people not to die etc...??
As I was thinking about this, I asked someone I trust and respect this question. The answer I received was quite simple yet very true and really answers the question well.
For the answer, we go to the Bible...
We are going to Matthew where the answer to this question is simply one of seeing the example that Jesus set - we're picking up the story of Jesus when He was with his disciples in the garden of Gethsemane.
Matthew 26:38-39 & 42-44
Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."
...
He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."
When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.
If you then look in Luke, while Jesus was praying we read this:
Luke 22:41-44
He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
If our goal is to be like Jesus, then we ought to pray like Jesus too. So Jesus prayed that the cross be taken away - multiple times! Yet He trusted His Father enough to know that God knew best and that ultimately it was God's will that would be done and not His own. So to me this says, (And what I was reminded of today) we ought to pray for what it is that we desire, however, pray knowing that ultimately it's going to be God's will that is done. He is sovereign and we have to trust, just like Jesus did, that God knows best. This is so hard because we can't understand it...we don't understand God's will....so it's hard to carry on....but (as I was also reminded of today) we can't just stay in the place of not understanding...we have to carry on to see what is God's will for us. To see/do what is His will for our lives. We have to carry on, and that doesn't diminish what happened, but we can't stay in that place of confusion and be consumed by it. And so we continue on - on to do what comes next.
The other thing that I realized when reading the passage in Luke, is that it says that an angel appeared to Jesus and strengthened Him. This makes me think that, it's true, God didn't take away the cross from Jesus - it was part of His greater plan - the plan of our Salvation - but He did give Jesus strength and comfort to get through the awfulness of it all. It was truly awful...something Jesus didn't want to go through either. The physical pain, the emotional pain. Simply horrific. But He overcame it victoriously. He continued through...He never gave up.
So all this summed up to me says, we pray and we continue to pray just like Jesus did. Pray for our desires, yet pray that God's will be done...and if God's will is different from our desires, then He will provide us with what we need to continue on, as difficult as it might be, and as awful as the situation may seem to us. For our God is Sovereign, all knowing and is LOVE.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Every Day Encouragement
Days keep passing, weeks, months...can you believe we're at the 5 month mark of my Kalyna's birth?
She's 5 months today, smiling and cooing away in Heaven - or as I also picture her - a little girl dancing and twirling with a huge smile on her face.
It's been 5 long difficult and emotional months filled with devastation and sadness.
But it has also been 5 months filled with so much love and support, growth, hope and encouragement and even maybe a little excitment and happiness.
It's hard to believe that the two can come together. But they truly can. I can honestly say there has never been a moment when I have felt alone in the past 5 months. I firstly have a God who hasn't and won't let me go. He is holding me fast and firmly and isn't letting go. He gives me strength to get up in the morning, strength to make it through my day, strength in all my interactions and strength to be the best follower of Jesus, mom and wife I can be.
Secondly, I have a whole army of supporters who stand behind me. When filling out one of the adoption form papers, it asked the question, do we have people who will support us in the decision to adopt (or something like that) and then it had options, no one, some people, a few people, many people - and I had to check many people. So many people have taken the time to go out of their way to encourage us through these past 5 months. It's not easy to walk with someone through grief, but we are blessed to have many people who seem more than willing to do something to encourage us and let us know they are walking with us.
Encouragement comes in all forms - whether it's a Bible verse, or a Bible reading plan (something I just started - if you are interested check out: You Version online reading plans - I'm reading one called: Joy! To Your World! in preparation of Christmas and it's really really good. A great encouragement to me. Especially to help me focus on Jesus and how to be joyful this time of year and how it's ok to celebrate because I'm celebrating Jesus.
Encouragement in the form of timely emails - whether someone finds a quote or a song or shares a story, or lets me know they are praying or thinking of us - it lifts my heart.
Sometimes it's a card in the mail - still even 5 months in, that someone is thinking of us and sends a card. It astounds me how people just know.
Encouragement in knowing that I always have someone to spend the 11th with.
Encouragement in letting me know people are available to talk, or to put me on the right path again when my vision gets clouded and out of alignment. (yes I am struggling with Christmas - but I do have a 2 year old who is here and would benefit greatly from a Christmas tree and some Christmas decorations - he is loving Christmas lights!) - so yes, I should pull out the Christmas decoration bin from downstairs....today hopefully....and the tree should be next on our list ... :)
Encouragement, even in the simplest form of a like button.
Encouragement in the form of people clapping. Couldn't help but smile at that one.
Encouragement, in a phone call, letting us know that our paperwork has been received and we are signed up for a PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) course that is coming up soon! Another step on our journey to adoption. It makes my heart sing!
Encouragement - I have been so blessed, and my family has been so blessed, by all the encouragement we've received. Knowing that I'm not alone/and my family isn't alone and never will be in my/our ups and downs of emotions. I have an army behind me....an army that God orchestrated because He knew what I would need to carry on. He is so good our God. And I know that I can continue to carry on because He's got that all under control and will continue to give me what I need to carry on in the best way possible...not just existing...but living for HIM!
God certainly knew what He was talking about when in His word we read:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
~Hebrews 10:23-25~
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
~1 Thessalonians 5:11~
And so, thank you to all who provide intentional encouragement. With your encouragement to me, I can in turn encourage others and hopefully encourage you as well. What a blessing.
She's 5 months today, smiling and cooing away in Heaven - or as I also picture her - a little girl dancing and twirling with a huge smile on her face.
It's been 5 long difficult and emotional months filled with devastation and sadness.
But it has also been 5 months filled with so much love and support, growth, hope and encouragement and even maybe a little excitment and happiness.
It's hard to believe that the two can come together. But they truly can. I can honestly say there has never been a moment when I have felt alone in the past 5 months. I firstly have a God who hasn't and won't let me go. He is holding me fast and firmly and isn't letting go. He gives me strength to get up in the morning, strength to make it through my day, strength in all my interactions and strength to be the best follower of Jesus, mom and wife I can be.
Secondly, I have a whole army of supporters who stand behind me. When filling out one of the adoption form papers, it asked the question, do we have people who will support us in the decision to adopt (or something like that) and then it had options, no one, some people, a few people, many people - and I had to check many people. So many people have taken the time to go out of their way to encourage us through these past 5 months. It's not easy to walk with someone through grief, but we are blessed to have many people who seem more than willing to do something to encourage us and let us know they are walking with us.
Encouragement comes in all forms - whether it's a Bible verse, or a Bible reading plan (something I just started - if you are interested check out: You Version online reading plans - I'm reading one called: Joy! To Your World! in preparation of Christmas and it's really really good. A great encouragement to me. Especially to help me focus on Jesus and how to be joyful this time of year and how it's ok to celebrate because I'm celebrating Jesus.
Encouragement in the form of timely emails - whether someone finds a quote or a song or shares a story, or lets me know they are praying or thinking of us - it lifts my heart.
Sometimes it's a card in the mail - still even 5 months in, that someone is thinking of us and sends a card. It astounds me how people just know.
Encouragement in knowing that I always have someone to spend the 11th with.
Encouragement in letting me know people are available to talk, or to put me on the right path again when my vision gets clouded and out of alignment. (yes I am struggling with Christmas - but I do have a 2 year old who is here and would benefit greatly from a Christmas tree and some Christmas decorations - he is loving Christmas lights!) - so yes, I should pull out the Christmas decoration bin from downstairs....today hopefully....and the tree should be next on our list ... :)
Encouragement, even in the simplest form of a like button.
Encouragement in the form of people clapping. Couldn't help but smile at that one.
Encouragement, in a phone call, letting us know that our paperwork has been received and we are signed up for a PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) course that is coming up soon! Another step on our journey to adoption. It makes my heart sing!
Encouragement - I have been so blessed, and my family has been so blessed, by all the encouragement we've received. Knowing that I'm not alone/and my family isn't alone and never will be in my/our ups and downs of emotions. I have an army behind me....an army that God orchestrated because He knew what I would need to carry on. He is so good our God. And I know that I can continue to carry on because He's got that all under control and will continue to give me what I need to carry on in the best way possible...not just existing...but living for HIM!
God certainly knew what He was talking about when in His word we read:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
~Hebrews 10:23-25~
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
~1 Thessalonians 5:11~
And so, thank you to all who provide intentional encouragement. With your encouragement to me, I can in turn encourage others and hopefully encourage you as well. What a blessing.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
On a happier note...
So these days it seems like I'm expressing things better through writing than verbally - definitely going to have to try and change that. However, for now, getting some elation out in writing seems fairly appropriate!
So excited to join the staff at the church we attend. So thankful to be a part of something so wonderful. Excited to see how God uses me in this position. Ready to keep pushing all the fears behind me and be passionate about Kids and how God wants to work among them at our church. So blessed to have this opportunity to work among some amazing people and so honoured and humbled by the huge responsibility it is to ensure that our kids are learning about Jesus and learning how to be His servants into our community and world.
Elation #2! Getting our police checks done today! Happy dance! First time I've felt like dancing in a long time! So ready to drop off our completed paperwork tomorrow! Can't believe how happy and excited that makes me feel! I know this won't be an easy road, and it will be filled most likely with heartache and also a lot of love. However, we know that God has laid this on our hearts so strongly that He must have a plan in all of this and will give us the strength to live with any heartache (as He is doing now) and to open our hearts wide to any children He chooses to place in our lives -whether permanently or only for a time.
It's difficult because I don't want my joy to be wrapped up in kids. Yes kids bring a lot of joy, but my joy should be found in my salvation and other joy should flow through that. That is definitely something I need to continue to work on. Being joyful now.
However, I know that I do get excited when I am expecting a new child, and this is just like the beginning of a pregnancy...just don't know how long the pregnancy might be. But we are expecting....yes expecting....we don't know if it will be a boy or a girl, whether infant or toddler, whether one or two, whether forever or just for a time, whether it will be 6 months till we meet them or a year, or two, but we are expecting. Expecting - knowing that God holds all the details, and we will keep taking all the necessary steps as we continue to see His plan unfold.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11~
So excited to join the staff at the church we attend. So thankful to be a part of something so wonderful. Excited to see how God uses me in this position. Ready to keep pushing all the fears behind me and be passionate about Kids and how God wants to work among them at our church. So blessed to have this opportunity to work among some amazing people and so honoured and humbled by the huge responsibility it is to ensure that our kids are learning about Jesus and learning how to be His servants into our community and world.
Elation #2! Getting our police checks done today! Happy dance! First time I've felt like dancing in a long time! So ready to drop off our completed paperwork tomorrow! Can't believe how happy and excited that makes me feel! I know this won't be an easy road, and it will be filled most likely with heartache and also a lot of love. However, we know that God has laid this on our hearts so strongly that He must have a plan in all of this and will give us the strength to live with any heartache (as He is doing now) and to open our hearts wide to any children He chooses to place in our lives -whether permanently or only for a time.
It's difficult because I don't want my joy to be wrapped up in kids. Yes kids bring a lot of joy, but my joy should be found in my salvation and other joy should flow through that. That is definitely something I need to continue to work on. Being joyful now.
However, I know that I do get excited when I am expecting a new child, and this is just like the beginning of a pregnancy...just don't know how long the pregnancy might be. But we are expecting....yes expecting....we don't know if it will be a boy or a girl, whether infant or toddler, whether one or two, whether forever or just for a time, whether it will be 6 months till we meet them or a year, or two, but we are expecting. Expecting - knowing that God holds all the details, and we will keep taking all the necessary steps as we continue to see His plan unfold.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11~
Monday, December 3, 2012
Christmas
And so December is all but here and already all the Christmas stuff is out in full bloom. Normally everything Christmas excites me! I usually love Christmas and everything that goes with it. It's such a wonderful time of happiness and good quality time with family.
In past years I remember there being groups or seminars on what to do about Christmas when your Christmas isn't going to be such a merry one due to a loss or change of circumstances. I guess I never really thought what it would be like to have a holiday without a loved one. Well now I completely understand why these groups and seminars exist.
I know that I am so thankful for Jesus being born into the world, and I am more than happy to celebrate His birth. Without His birth there would be no Easter and no hope for us. So I celebrate hope and joy and love from the coming of Jesus into this world.
Everything else that comes with Christmas seems a bit daunting this year to put it lightly. Trees, ribbons, bows, presents, etc. seem all very trivial and frivilous to me right now. Why spend money on these things when there are people dying around the world .... (I know, I think I'm turning into a scrooge or something!) I've never been blessed with a real good sense of humour...I've always been somewhat of a serious person, and I think that is coming out more and more now.
Obviously something else I'm struggling with is that this would have been Kalyna's first Christmas. Technically Jaimie's as well (Jaimie was due end of January 2012). However they will both be spending their first Christmas in Heaven with the Birthday Boy Himself - Jesus. I suppose that will be a bigger and better celebration than anything we can put on down here! (Always helps to write my thoughts out...I hadn't thought of that till just now!)
I think part of me is worried that I'll be the downer of everyone's Christmas. Like if no one talks about her, will I feel hurt about that? If people do talk about her, will that make everyone sad? Will I ruin the mood of Christmas because I will be thinking about her? At a time of year when everyone is happy and excited it seems almost like it's not ok to be sad.
People continuously ask me about all things Christmas (as most people talk about this time of year), and it's hard to really answer cause no I have no tree, no decorations, no presents bought, I can't even bring myself to listen to Christmas music - usually I'm blasting Avalon Christmas as soon as December first hits.
However all that being said...I think I'm slowly coming around a little. As much as I'd like to simply dissapear for the month of December, I'm thinking that is rather impossible. Christmas is everywhere around me and there is no escaping it. It's in my face whether I'm ready for it or not. A few little blessings though have been popping up to encourage me through this season.
A good friend of mine, (she must have been given some divine knowledge) cause she sent me a beautiful email letting me know that she was thinking and praying for me through this time because she had heard a broadcast about how the holidays can be hard - I hadn't even told anyone I was struggling and she just seemed to know - that is surely one of the ways to know that I am not alone. Not alone in thinking that the holidays are hard - it's fairly normal - and secondly not alone that I have a Heavenly Father who is surrounding me with people who understand. I read the broadcast as well and it was helpful - especially knowing that this is normal and that it's ok to feel this way.
A second little blessing came in the form of a Christmas tree ornament. A beautiful crystal snowflake with a little K and J on it. It is incredibly special to me - so touched by the family that gave it to us. And I might just have to go out a get a small little Christmas tree just so I can hang it on it.
I guess it's important to me to have Kalyna around this Christmas -in different tangible ways. It seems a little more possible to get through if I can put her in it too. I'm trying to put together a Christmas card of Micah and then have a rose in the picture to as a memory of her. I don't know if that is strange, or if it means I can't let go? I think though that I have let her go, she is where she is suppose to be and I just want to remember her and keep her a part of our family. I don't want people to always think of us as the family that lost their daughter and feel sorry for us though. I just want to keep her beautiful memory as she is my only daughter at this point and she was here for such a brief time. But it's not only that I want a rose in the card this year, but I'd like to have a rose in her memory in my Family Christmas cards forever. No matter how many children we have down the road, I'd still like to always have a rose for her.
So I may not be over the top Christmas this year, but I do have to face it. I can't run away from it, I can't dissapear, so I will work at embracing it as much as I can. I know that traveling to Micah's grandparents houses will bring him the traditional Christmas trimings, which will be good. Maybe we'll have a little Christmas tree and we'll set up our Fisher price Nativity set. We may not be decked out this year, but we'll do some little special things. Gifts will probably be as meaningful as I can make them...if I hurry up and get on that in time for Christmas....I don't think I'm going to brave the mall much this year. But I will try not to turn the radio station off when a Christmas song comes on.
I think this is just how it's going to be this year, we'll celebrate the birth of Jesus, the coming of our Saviour with all our family and friends. We'll enjoy the quality time spent with each of the wonderful people we are blessed to know. You never know how much time you have left on earth with each one of them, so it is important to truly enjoy that time spent with them and not hold back. It's ok to feel all the emotions I feel, I think. Hopefully people will understand, but not tip toe around, just do what they normally do, and I'll just fit in wherever I can.
Thanks for reading my ramblings, I really appreciate all of you! :)
In past years I remember there being groups or seminars on what to do about Christmas when your Christmas isn't going to be such a merry one due to a loss or change of circumstances. I guess I never really thought what it would be like to have a holiday without a loved one. Well now I completely understand why these groups and seminars exist.
I know that I am so thankful for Jesus being born into the world, and I am more than happy to celebrate His birth. Without His birth there would be no Easter and no hope for us. So I celebrate hope and joy and love from the coming of Jesus into this world.
Everything else that comes with Christmas seems a bit daunting this year to put it lightly. Trees, ribbons, bows, presents, etc. seem all very trivial and frivilous to me right now. Why spend money on these things when there are people dying around the world .... (I know, I think I'm turning into a scrooge or something!) I've never been blessed with a real good sense of humour...I've always been somewhat of a serious person, and I think that is coming out more and more now.
Obviously something else I'm struggling with is that this would have been Kalyna's first Christmas. Technically Jaimie's as well (Jaimie was due end of January 2012). However they will both be spending their first Christmas in Heaven with the Birthday Boy Himself - Jesus. I suppose that will be a bigger and better celebration than anything we can put on down here! (Always helps to write my thoughts out...I hadn't thought of that till just now!)
I think part of me is worried that I'll be the downer of everyone's Christmas. Like if no one talks about her, will I feel hurt about that? If people do talk about her, will that make everyone sad? Will I ruin the mood of Christmas because I will be thinking about her? At a time of year when everyone is happy and excited it seems almost like it's not ok to be sad.
People continuously ask me about all things Christmas (as most people talk about this time of year), and it's hard to really answer cause no I have no tree, no decorations, no presents bought, I can't even bring myself to listen to Christmas music - usually I'm blasting Avalon Christmas as soon as December first hits.
However all that being said...I think I'm slowly coming around a little. As much as I'd like to simply dissapear for the month of December, I'm thinking that is rather impossible. Christmas is everywhere around me and there is no escaping it. It's in my face whether I'm ready for it or not. A few little blessings though have been popping up to encourage me through this season.
A good friend of mine, (she must have been given some divine knowledge) cause she sent me a beautiful email letting me know that she was thinking and praying for me through this time because she had heard a broadcast about how the holidays can be hard - I hadn't even told anyone I was struggling and she just seemed to know - that is surely one of the ways to know that I am not alone. Not alone in thinking that the holidays are hard - it's fairly normal - and secondly not alone that I have a Heavenly Father who is surrounding me with people who understand. I read the broadcast as well and it was helpful - especially knowing that this is normal and that it's ok to feel this way.
A second little blessing came in the form of a Christmas tree ornament. A beautiful crystal snowflake with a little K and J on it. It is incredibly special to me - so touched by the family that gave it to us. And I might just have to go out a get a small little Christmas tree just so I can hang it on it.
I guess it's important to me to have Kalyna around this Christmas -in different tangible ways. It seems a little more possible to get through if I can put her in it too. I'm trying to put together a Christmas card of Micah and then have a rose in the picture to as a memory of her. I don't know if that is strange, or if it means I can't let go? I think though that I have let her go, she is where she is suppose to be and I just want to remember her and keep her a part of our family. I don't want people to always think of us as the family that lost their daughter and feel sorry for us though. I just want to keep her beautiful memory as she is my only daughter at this point and she was here for such a brief time. But it's not only that I want a rose in the card this year, but I'd like to have a rose in her memory in my Family Christmas cards forever. No matter how many children we have down the road, I'd still like to always have a rose for her.
So I may not be over the top Christmas this year, but I do have to face it. I can't run away from it, I can't dissapear, so I will work at embracing it as much as I can. I know that traveling to Micah's grandparents houses will bring him the traditional Christmas trimings, which will be good. Maybe we'll have a little Christmas tree and we'll set up our Fisher price Nativity set. We may not be decked out this year, but we'll do some little special things. Gifts will probably be as meaningful as I can make them...if I hurry up and get on that in time for Christmas....I don't think I'm going to brave the mall much this year. But I will try not to turn the radio station off when a Christmas song comes on.
I think this is just how it's going to be this year, we'll celebrate the birth of Jesus, the coming of our Saviour with all our family and friends. We'll enjoy the quality time spent with each of the wonderful people we are blessed to know. You never know how much time you have left on earth with each one of them, so it is important to truly enjoy that time spent with them and not hold back. It's ok to feel all the emotions I feel, I think. Hopefully people will understand, but not tip toe around, just do what they normally do, and I'll just fit in wherever I can.
Thanks for reading my ramblings, I really appreciate all of you! :)
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