Christmas

And so December is all but here and already all the Christmas stuff is out in full bloom. Normally everything Christmas excites me! I usually love Christmas and everything that goes with it. It's such a wonderful time of happiness and good quality time with family.

In past years I remember there being groups or seminars on what to do about Christmas when your Christmas isn't going to be such a merry one due to a loss or change of circumstances. I guess I never really thought what it would be like to have a holiday without a loved one. Well now I completely understand why these groups and seminars exist.

I know that I am so thankful for Jesus being born into the world, and I am more than happy to celebrate His birth. Without His birth there would be no Easter and no hope for us. So I celebrate hope and joy and love from the coming of Jesus into this world.
Everything else that comes with Christmas seems a bit daunting this year to put it lightly. Trees, ribbons, bows, presents, etc. seem all very trivial and frivilous to me right now. Why spend money on these things when there are people dying around the world ....  (I know, I think I'm turning into a scrooge or something!) I've never been blessed with a real good sense of humour...I've always been somewhat of a serious person, and I think that is coming out more and more now.

Obviously something else I'm struggling with is that this would have been Kalyna's first Christmas. Technically Jaimie's as well (Jaimie was due end of January 2012). However they will both be spending their first Christmas in Heaven with the Birthday Boy Himself - Jesus. I suppose that will be a bigger and better celebration than anything we can put on down here! (Always helps to write my thoughts out...I hadn't thought of that till just now!)
I think part of me is worried that I'll be the downer of everyone's Christmas. Like if no one talks about her, will I feel hurt about that? If people do talk about her, will that make everyone sad? Will I ruin the mood of Christmas because I will be thinking about her? At a time of year when everyone is happy and excited it seems almost like it's not ok to be sad.
People continuously ask me about all things Christmas (as most people talk about this time of year), and it's hard to really answer cause no I have no tree, no decorations, no presents bought, I can't even bring myself to listen to Christmas music - usually I'm blasting Avalon Christmas as soon as December first hits.

However all that being said...I think I'm slowly coming around a little. As much as I'd like to simply dissapear for the month of December, I'm thinking that is rather impossible. Christmas is everywhere around me and there is no escaping it. It's in my face whether I'm ready for it or not. A few little blessings though have been popping up to encourage me through this season.
A good friend of mine, (she must have been given some divine knowledge) cause she sent me a beautiful email letting me know that she was thinking and praying for me through this time because she had heard a broadcast about how the holidays can be hard - I hadn't even told anyone I was struggling and she just seemed to know - that is surely one of the ways to know that I am not alone. Not alone in thinking that the holidays are hard - it's fairly normal - and secondly not alone that I have a Heavenly Father who is surrounding me with people who understand. I read the broadcast as well and it was helpful - especially knowing that this is normal and that it's ok to feel this way.
A second little blessing came in the form of a Christmas tree ornament. A beautiful crystal snowflake with a little K and J on it. It is incredibly special to me - so touched by the family that gave it to us. And I might just have to go out a get a small little Christmas tree just so I can hang it on it.
I guess it's important to me to have Kalyna around this Christmas -in different tangible ways. It seems a little more possible to get through if I can put her in it too. I'm trying to put together a Christmas card of Micah and then have a rose in the picture to as a memory of her. I don't know if that is strange, or if it means I can't let go? I think though that I have let her go, she is where she is suppose to be and I just want to remember her and keep her a part of our family. I don't want people to always think of us as the family that lost their daughter and feel sorry for us though. I just want to keep her beautiful memory as she is my only daughter at this point and she was here for such a brief time. But it's not only that I want a rose in the card this year, but I'd like to have a rose in her memory in my Family Christmas cards forever. No matter how many children we have down the road, I'd still like to always have a rose for her.

So I may not be over the top Christmas this year, but I do have to face it. I can't run away from it, I can't dissapear, so I will work at embracing it as much as I can. I know that traveling to Micah's grandparents houses will bring him the traditional Christmas trimings, which will be good. Maybe we'll have a little Christmas tree and we'll set up our Fisher price Nativity set. We may not be decked out this year, but we'll do some little special things. Gifts will probably be as meaningful as I can make them...if I hurry up and get on that in time for Christmas....I don't think I'm going to brave the mall much this year. But I will try not to turn the radio station off when a Christmas song comes on.

I think this is just how it's going to be this year, we'll celebrate the birth of Jesus, the coming of our Saviour with all our family and friends. We'll enjoy the quality time spent with each of the wonderful people we are blessed to know. You never know how much time you have left on earth with each one of them, so it is important to truly enjoy that time spent with them and not hold back. It's ok to feel all the emotions I feel, I think. Hopefully people will understand, but not tip toe around, just do what they normally do, and I'll just fit in wherever I can.

Thanks for reading my ramblings, I really appreciate all of you! :)