2 steps forward, 5 steps back

Nothing is ever predictable around here anymore. Just when you think things are going great one minute, the next minute they can crash and burn. I know sounds a bit overdramatic but sometimes that's just the way it is.
We finally got over all the craziness of sicknesses from a couple weeks ago and we are slowly working our way back to where we were. It's a crazy thing, I tell you. When A gets sick, it's like she reverts back to all her previous behaviours and frustrations. She stops communicating and is simply angry. I understand that it is awful to be sick. No one likes being sick. But it's different for her. She's so mad that she is sick and just shuts down. When she is finally well again, it takes weeks to get the progress back that we had before she was sick. It's crazy. I thought today was finally the day when we were back to where we were a month ago, and then BAM giant meltdown for some reason that we obviously missed because I, nor Albert, have any idea what caused it! You just have to wonder sometimes what goes through that little head of hers. What has it seen, where has it been before coming to us. Or is this simply her? Micah isn't like that when he is sick. He's a lot less happy, but he doesn't regress. It baffles me. But we keep carrying on. We managed to salvage bedtime...I think. But she's still rolling around in there probably because we started too early because of the giant meltdown. Or maybe it's the Easter sugar catching up with her. ...hmmmmm

Anyways...on a more positive note, something really cute that she has started doing is saying "LOVE YOU". At first I would just say it to her and she wouldn't say anything. Then one day she said it back and we just said it back and forth....now she initiates it! It's super touching and melts my heart everytime she looks up at me with a smile and says "love you".
She also will go up to someone (usually Albert or Micah) and say "hug". It's pretty darn cute!

Another really awesome thing that we are starting to see with her is empathy. She gets very concerned when someone is hurt or crying. She will actually go up to them and pat or rub them to help them feel better! This is a huge thing as she used to throw herself down and cry too if there was another child crying. So thankful for this step as well.

I hope that you all had a blessed Easter weekend. We enjoyed visiting family and having a family day.

So thankful for God's great love. Just knowing Jesus spurs us on in love and in love we are able to serve others. Without that great love we would be nothing.

For God so LOVED the world that He gave his only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
~ John 3:16~

Intentional

"Intentional" definitely a word that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Seems to come up a lot.

Intentional about hearing the voice of God. Intentional about letting our kids hear the word/voice of God. To hear God. To get to know Him. Providing many opportunities for that to happen. Through devotions, Bible verses, songs, church, KidJAM, prayer, and just quiet time to be still.

A friend introduced me to something called "IF" (www.ifequip.com) and it's a group of women from all over that are studying the same passage of scripture every weekday and then they post their thoughts online, and you can listen to two women discuss it. Currently they (and I) are reading through John. This week one of the passages we read was: John 10:27-30
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
When the two women are talking, they are talking about how we as parents need to be intentional to hear the voice of God and then we need to intentionally allow our kids to hear the voice of God as well. We need to make sure that there aren't distractions in our home that lead our kids away from God's voice. Our kids need to see us seeking God's voice and then intentionally give them ways to hear God's voice too.

After Kalyna passed away I started writing out verses of meaning to me (probably a lot of them are in this blog...) but I would write them on coloured paper and put a magnet on them and post them all over my fridge. They were a good reminder to me that these were important words that I needed to hear. Now those verses are moved to the side of the fridge or to the top as the kids like to knock them off the fridge and then pull the magnets off the back. Not exactly ideal....I'm sure there will be a time when they can read them...but for now that's not the best way for them to hear God's voice.
Right now one of my favourite ways for my kids to hear God's word is through songs. Both of my kids love music. They love it! They dance, or sing, or clap or move. It's really fun. I have found that there is great kids music that promotes the word of God. Have you heard of the "Rizers" ? They are fantastic! Look them up on YouTube. They are an animated band that sings Bible verses. It's awesome. Micah loves them and A is starting to as well. Micah now sings Bible verses....and you know what, I do too! They get stuck in my head even! And then I can show Micah where they are found in the Bible. He loves this and then wants me to write the verse out for him and then I hang them up in the kids' playroom! I love it! Also another great band for kids - Go Fish Guys. They are quite awesome. I could listen to them all day....but so can my kids! Micah and A love them too! They have great songs that worship God and they are fun! Check them out on Youtube too! I find my kids (Micah mostly, but I'm sure A will too (although she does already say "trust" because of a song...) repeating words and phrases and verses from the songs that are ultimately Bible verses or songs of praise to our Saviour! It is great!
Another way that I'm going to use to be intentional about my kids hearing God's word/voice is through a specific life verse for my kids and for our family. I'm going to have these verses posted on the walls so that they are there and my hope is that the kids will be able to recite their life verses from a young age and be always challenged by that verse whenever they have quiet time in their rooms as they get older.

Our family verse is going on the wall in the living room - it was one of our wedding verses as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
This verse tells our family that God has plans for our lives. He put us here for a specific purpose and will give us what we need to prosper in this plan that He has. We can't do it alone, we need to lean on Him for the strength to fulfill these plans. He alone can give us that hope and future that we so long for.

Micah's verse, is found in Micah....of course...it just had to be. His verse is Micah 7:7
So I will look to the Lord. I will put my trust in God my Saviour. He will hear me.
-I love it because this is what I long for, for my Micah. That he will always look to the Lord. That he will trust in God and know well that God will always hear him. I think that if Micah does this, that the rest will flow from this. That his life might be dedicated to loving and serving God and then loving and serving others. If Micah will look to the Lord for guidance for his life, then his life will be led by God and Micah will do great things for God. I pray this for my son.

A's verse is Deuteronomy 31:8 -
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
-I love this because I love putting A's name in place of the word you. The Lord himself goes before A and will be with A. He will never leave A nor forsake A. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.
This verse is perfect for a few reasons. I love how it says that the Lord goes before her. She's had a rocky beginning, but despite that, God has been going ahead of her, preparing the way for her. He's been working in our lives to prepare us for her. He's been making a way for her even though she/or we didn't know it. Also, I love the phrase "He will never leave you". I think that is so important for A. I hope that she is secure and confident in our love, knowing we will never leave her...but more importantly that she will know this of God. Despite having been moved a lot in her short life, knowing that God will never leave her. And the phrase "do not be afraid" has been something that is resounding with Albert lately. Has to do a lot with his trip to El Salvador before Christmas this year. It really made this verse stand out to us as well. And lastly "do not be discouraged" - a phrase to encourage and to press her forward...hopefully A will take this to heart and continue to strive for her best and to fulfill the plans that God has created her for. I pray this for my daughter.

**As an aside, if you are thinking of posting verses on your wall and aren't sure how to get them on there, I know someone who makes the vinyl words/phrases for walls and they are awesome....so email me and I can get you in touch with her! :)**

I just want to encourage you today. Stay in God's word. Consume yourself with ways in which you can hear God's voice. Then find ways to allow your kids to hear God's word too. If we are listening to God and hearing His voice, then the voices of this world, the temptations we face on a daily basis, grow quiet as we follow our Good Shepherd to His plans for us.

Seed - plant and water

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted....it's been a busy while! Upward basketball certainly keeps us hopping over here! Season 3 is now in the books. It was definitely a whirlwind...but I trust that God will use everything that occurred during the season to encourage the families and players to consider what Jesus means to them. We are thankful to have been able to run the season again; thankful for all the volunteers that share our vision and were willing to give up their time and energy and love; thankful for my family especially who coached and watched our kids while Albert and I spent Saturdays at the gym.
I guess something that I was looking for this season was to know that someone's life was changed. That someone came to know Christ for the first time as a result of Upward Basketball. I guess part of me wanted to know if all the work and time spent putting Upward Basketball together and running it is worth it. As I was pondering this, it somehow reminded me about seeds in the Bible. So I searched "seed" to see what verse I was thinking about. The one I found just hit me square in the face.
It is Paul talking:

What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building. ~1 Corinthians 3:5-9~

To me this says...leave it to God. It's not me that changes a life, but God. It's not Upward Basketball that changes a life, it's God. It's not the coaches, the half-time speakers, the end of season celebration that changes a life, it's God. Our job is to plant or water. We may never know when the plant will begin to grow, or what kind of growth spurt the water will cause. Only God knows this. God is the one who brings the growth. We need to continue to share God's love and be open to sharing our faith whenever asked.  For everyone needs to know our Jesus. This life is impossible without Him as our guide and without the hope of eternal life when this life is over. Life would be unbearable without that promise. So whatever it takes to continue to share the love of Jesus with others we will continue to do it. Whether it's through Upward Basketball - which right now seems to be a very non-threatening way to invite people into a church...or through another means, one thing is certain: God's love needs to be shared and proclaimed to our community, our city and our world. Right now, we will pray that God will continue to bring families and kids who are searching to know Him to our basketball league, if this is where they are supposed to be. And we will continue to share His love with those He sends our way. Looking forward to what season 4 may bring.

Reflection

I suppose now is as good as time as any to do some reflecting; and I suppose the real reason for my reflection is that I have to talk at Upward on Saturday.
Upward basketball....season 3.....Game Day number 1 on Saturday. Saturday happens to be January 11. That 11 number always gets me still. And January is 6 months from July. I know you'd think by now I wouldn't think about these things...but yet, the significance for me is so hard to miss. Seeing as I need to find a way to talk on Saturday, I thought I'd do some brainstorming here, so that I can get my thoughts out as to what to say.

***

When I was trying to decide what to say, I couldn't help but think about the significance of this date.
January 11, 2014 - Upward Basketball Season 3 Game Days begin. This date makes me think about a lot of significant occurrences over the past few years.
It's been 2 and a half years exactly, since we lost our second child in a miscarriage at 11 weeks - which means it's also been about 2 and half years since my family and I started coming to the Sarnia Evangelical Missionary Church.
It's been exactly 1 and a half years since we lost our third child, Kalyna who was stillborn at full term on July 11 , 2012.
It's also been just over half a year since we've had our fourth child - our adopted daughter come to live with us.
When I was thinking about everything that this date brought into mind for me, I can't help but thinking that this was so not the life I had planned. I hadn't planned on living in Sarnia (I like Sarnia, I grew up here, but figured I would end up living elsewhere). I had planned on having at least four children, but hadn't planned on two of them being in Heaven already. These past few years have certainly been filled with lows and highs.

I just want to share with you a couple of things I have learned over the past couple of years.

1. That God's plans for my life are not necessarily what my plans are for my life, however, God's plans are for hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.
And when I think about what my future will be, I know it will be in Heaven with Jesus and with my 2 children who are already there. I pray daily that my other children will make the decision to follow Christ and join us in Heaven some day as well - although preferably some time after me....:)

2. That whatever you face in life, when you hit that lowest point, that you don't have to fear and that you are not alone.
Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
God is always with you. When my daughter died, it was the lowest of lows, and yet there was peace...a peace that could only come from a God who loves us so much that His own Son died too...and He knew exactly how I felt and promised to stay with me and comfort me and provide me with strength to carry on in life knowing my daughter is with Him.

3. The joy of being part of a church family.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says: Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
Being surrounded by a group of people who believe in comforting others due to the comfort they've received from God is such a blessing. To have others who are willing to give up their time, agendas, happiness to take time to sorrow with you and find ways to bring comfort is like no other. Being surrounded by people who will love you simply because they know you attend their church is astounding and truly something that can only happen when God is present in their lives.

These three things I have learned these past years.....I hope they encourage you as well...that God has a plan for your life, He will never ever leave you and provide you with strength and finding a church family is full of many blessings.

***
Well Upward Game Day 1 is now in the books....what a great day it was, and I hope that everyone was encouraged a little as they continued on throughout their day and week. Looking forward to see what Upward Game Day 2 brings.

Joyful Christmas Eve

Well we've reached another Christmas. It's funny how we mark time. Christmas seems to be the biggest holiday that we celebrate and seems to be the biggest deal...maybe that's why we tend to miss those that are missing the most at Christmas time? Maybe it's because family all gets together and it's then that it makes it more clear who's missing? Maybe it's cause everyone talks about things going on, or (in our case) what their kids are doing now and you tend to let your thoughts waiver over what yours would be doing, if they were still here? I don't know. Whatever the reason, Christmas time seems to be the time when memories and thoughts of loved ones who've passed on, suddenly threated at times to overwhelm.

For me, I still find myself in a funk where I struggle to do things that have no significant meaning. Why have a big tall beautiful tree, when a cheap little one will do the trick? What's the point to the grand expensive giant tree? I can't bring myself to buy meaningless gifts either. I'm horrible at gift giving because if I can't find something good, I just tend to give up. Not a great thing if I'm supposed to have a gift for someone and can't think of anything meaningful. This year my wonderful husband suggested an idea...and it was great....almost too late, but managed to come up with good ones for most people. Wish I had thought of it sooner, as to been able to give it to more people sigh. Hopefully it'll work well for next year, or I can give it to others after Christmas maybe...

So this Christmas...a mixed emotion Christmas....as I'm sure all Christmases will be from this point on.

A week ago yesterday, a very wonderful man from our church passed away very suddenly. It was a shock to all. We used to sit in front of him at church every Sunday. He'd always smile and say hi or crack a joke about something. His wife works with me on staff at our church and is always helping others or saying/writing encouraging words. His eldest son is a great guy and I just met his younger son this past week, but he also seems like a really great guy. JG was a great husband and father to his wonderful family. He took care of them and loved them and was a Godly example to them. Just hearing the stories and memories fondly shared this week showed me just how much he meant to them all. He is now with Jesus this Christmas, his faith now turned to sight. I will remember him fondly with that big smile and I will be praying for his family as they weather their first Christmas without him.

This Christmas is A's first Christmas with us. What an up and down ride it has been with her. We just passed the 6 month mark of her being in our home. While for others it may be easy to see she's come a long way, sometimes when we're bogged down in the middle of things, it can be hard for us to see, although there are definite things that have changed. Head banging/head hitting/hand biting etc. have all pretty much disappeared. It reoccurs on the odd occasion when something sets her off, (usually something we missed), but thankfully it is mostly gone. She still has the odd time where she cries without us knowing why....but then that passes and she is her happy little self again. She is a lot of work, but to be honest, a lot of the work has to be done on myself. I have to learn to regulate my emotions, no matter how I'm feeling at the time, so that I handle situations appropriately and with her best interests in mind and not my own. So I'm a work in progress too. I'm coming along slowly. Some days I do a great job....other days I fail miserably. It is definitely one of my biggest challenges. But I'm learning and God is giving me strength to continue to do better and to be more compassionate. All that being said, I'm very excited for A's first Christmas. Today was the first day that both Albert and I have been home with the kids for just a quiet day. It has been really great so far. We had some fun playing in the snow together this morning...so nice to have a white Christmas this year. A's expressions when she opens gifts is really fun to see. She gets all excited and exclaims over new gifts. She'd probably open all the presents under our tree if I let her! It will be so fun to see her excitement! Micah also gets pretty excited over everything. He loves to help A with her gifts, so it's hard sometimes for him to remember that she can do it too! It was very sweet the other night at my dad's, Micah was asked who should get the first present to open and he said A. Very cute of him to think of her first. :) Warms my heart. Also looking forward to many of our extended family meeting A for the first time. :) Hopefully it isn't too overwhelming for her.
To: A__  Lynne Marie: Merry Christmas my dear little daughter A. Thank you for your love and trust, we hope you have a blessed Christmas and we are so thankful you came into our lives this year. We look forward to having papers in the new year that are signed by a judge to say you are officially ours! With all our love now and forever. You are forever ours and we won't let you go or give up on you. We promise you that. We will weather the storms and we are sorry for times when we fail you, but we will keep working on ourselves that we can be the best parents possible to you. You are our beautiful little daughter.We love you.

To: Micah Albert: Merry Christmas! You are our precious son. Our firstborn. The one that taught us first hand how to be parents. We are still learning and you definitely remind us of that! You are such a caring and compassionate little boy. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. We love you so much. Be blessed this Christmas and in this coming year. We look forward to seeing you continue to grow, learn and hopefully come to love our Saviour. We love you.

To: Kalyna Leanne my beautiful first little girl. I love you so much and miss you so much. To have seen your laughing, smiling face as you point at lights and rip open Christmas presents; to hear your first words and maybe a song; to see your first unsteady steps turn into a run; this Christmas would have been a fun one with you. Instead we have only our memory of your birth....and the memory of what we think you may look like now. However, we know you celebrate with the King....really the best celebration of all...in fact it lasts year round, so you're happy everyday. I know this to be true, so really my best thoughts of you should be of you with Jesus and not of the memories that I've missed.
So it is here where I'll focus my heart. Merry Christmas dear little Kalyna. Celebrate well.

And Merry Christmas 2013 to everyone reading as well. Be blessed this new year. Continue to live for Jesus and not for what is comfortable.
I leave you with the Christmas story (the true reason for Joy in the season despite circumstances)beginning with the shepherds as I feel the shepherds are very much us. (Terrified of the good news, yet seeking it out, finding it to be true, and sharing it with all - I feel as though it describes what we should do too)

                                                   Luke 2:8-20
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

A Daddy's Girl

When we got A, she didn't have many verbal skills. She didn't say many words and really didn't make many sounds either. Just a lot of crying and behaviours that indicated that she was incredibly frustrated, or just plain mad. Most children by the time they are the same age as A, have conquered the basic sounds and some simple words. We are coming up to almost having A for 5 months, and really if I look back on where she was, she has made some incredible gains. She has definitely turned her attention and effort to communicating verbally now.

You would quite enjoy being a fly on the wall at our home around 5:30-6pm when Albert comes home from work. As it gets dark and as supper preparations begin, A starts looking towards the window and says "Dada?" Yes that's right, Dada. So despite the fact that most kids start saying dada around a year of age...we didn't miss that stage. At two years old, our daughter now knows who her Dad is. And let me tell you, you would think the king was coming through the door the way she reacts when Albert comes home! She keeps glancing at the window saying "Dada" until she hears his truck, then she runs to the window jumping up and down with excitement and yelling DAAAD DADA at the top of her lungs, just waiting to catch his eye when he walks past the front window! After yelling DADA a few more times when he waves at her through the window, she bolts to the front door where she promptly greats him with more DADAs and the word UP! Before he can take off his coat and shoes, she wants to be picked up by him and carried by him. It's incredibly cute....(although I may be slightly jealous....I get Mum mum often...but mostly its when she needs or wants something....however, I don't often leave her either...to be able to get such an exuberant welcome...hehehehe). But it's just so adorable to watch. I think she loves him so much and is always super happy to see him. (why wouldn't she be....hehehe I'm always super happy when he comes home too!) But definitely a daddy's girl for sure!
He gets a smiley hi from Micah too, though Micah is usually playing on the computer when Albert comes home, since making dinner with two toddlers is a chore, especially when it is notoriously meltdown hour and A needs to be in my arms while I'm making dinner! She throws very big fits if I don't pick her up while I cook. Sometimes this frustrates me, other times I try really hard to prepare ahead of time, or be ok with cooking one handed. I figure she can't do it forever...and if she needs that reassurance now (or she really loves to cook?) then I can deal with that most days....

But yes, almost 5 months and she went from barely speaking to now she daily picks up new words, definitely attempts new words all the time. She will try to repeat anything we say. She is also picking up on the babbling....just random sounds that are loud! But I'm so happy that she is finally making sounds. It's just so great to know that words are coming and communication continues to get easier with her and her frustration lately seems to be decreasing which is wonderful. Her frustrated behaviours; therefore, are also decreasing which is great! I hope that the reason for that is that we communicate better. There are still times where she will fly off the handle and we have missed the reason why...but for the most part, we are understanding her more and more.
I have also seen a change in Micah, some of his acting out behaviours are dissipating and he is much more obedient now and doesn't have that sudden change where he becomes completely defiant and out of control. So thankful for that as well.
And me. I am changing too. The way I deal with the kids. The way I try to figure out why. How you start to be more ok with comforting the child even when you told them a hundred times not to do something and they did it anyways...I think I'm more relaxed, less anxious and more go with the flow. And most of all I'd like to think that I'm a little more in control of my emotions...more steady and less prone to being set off by the kids. I think I'm feeling a little more settled. I remember with Micah, that it definitely took me at least 3 months to get used to having him around and figuring out life with an infant. I had to keep reminding myself that if it took me 3 months to get used to Micah it would probably take at least double to get used to life with two toddlers...and well we're almost at five and I'm just starting to feel at ease...although who knows what will happen next. We seem to have a handle on A's asthma now....hopefully that will continue. It also helps I'm sure, that right now we are all over the nasty colds we had last month.

I praise God that even though communication has been difficult, it is really awesome to watch A's language develop! Seeing her conquer new words every day and celebrating those words with her, is just great! Her little smirks and smiles when she is proud of herself for accomplishing a word is so sweet. It will be exciting to see where she is in a month and then a month after that! She is quite an amazing little girl. :)
I'll leave you with Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.
We didn't really understand why we had this very angry and difficult toddler, but in God's timing He is bringing about changes in all of us. We are being knitted together as a family rooted in God's love for each other as we let Him direct our paths.

Photographs

Photographs.

Those simple little things I used to take for granted. Sure I used to take pictures, but not an excessive amount and never really thought it was a big deal if I forgot my camera for an event. Often I'd let others take the pictures and just get a few after. I liked to just go and experience the event.
While experiencing the event is one thing, to me now it's capturing the people in the event that matters to me more now.

I guess what changed that was after our beautiful Kalyna passed away. I didn't think about it at the time. At the time I was simply in shock and definitely wasn't processing or thinking clearly at all. But oh how I wish I had thought enough to call a professional photographer to take some pictures of Kalyna. You know the tasteful kind. Pictures of her little hands, her little feet, a nice pose of her looking like she is sleeping....oh I'd love to have just one nice frame with a few pictures like this. We have a few of our precious girl, but they aren't ones I can hang around the house.
I guess I've been thinking about this lately, as I heard about another couple who recently lost their baby. When thinking about it, my advice to someone who knows them, is suggest a photographer...those pictures will become so cherished when their little one is gone. I have an album with all the memories I have of my daughter, and also a few items around the house that remind me of my daughter (a picture of a rose, a map of the star that was named after my daughter, Christmas tree ornament, a little tree, a flower, a candle, my necklace and locket) - I cherish every one of these mementos as they remind me of my precious Kalyna. They help me know that I will never forget her. (despite not being able to display pictures of her).

Now, though, I feel like I am on a mission to capture every perfect moment of our family. Every outing, event, I want to have my camera with me. I want to take pictures....many pictures to remember every little detail later. Who knows how long I will get to spend here on earth those I love...I want to be able to continue to see them even after they are gone. I want to remember the good times. To make as many memories as possible. We have very few memories of our precious Kalyna. One of the things that grief counselors say is remember all the memories you have....well what if you only have a few hours of memories? I am determined to have many memories we my loved ones as I can, so pictures I will take. Especially now that little A is here, I try to take as many as possible...even if it's just following the kids around as they walk around the house! I think I was disappointed this Halloween as I had a hard time getting good pictures as both kids weren't really into the dress up thing this year  (likely due to the unknown of the activity, their colds, my impatience) -anyways, live and learn, hopefully next year it'll go a little better. But we were able to get some good ones from the pumpkin patch and from the farm at thanksgiving - which I'm so thrilled about. The next challenge will be to get a really good Christmas card picture!
Anyways, I know that in the big picture of life, photographs aren't the most important thing, but to me right now, they mark memories of the people I love. Capturing smiles just makes me smile too. I'm thankful for the ability to take pictures and remember memories of those we love - even if it's memories from a couple of hours. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you, but just a little something that I've found is meaningful to me.

I guess meaningful mementos aren't a new thing. As I was searching the Bible curious about memories, I realized that the people in the Bible were constantly making mementos and memories to remember the things that God had shown/done for them. Building altars, creating holidays etc. It's not a new thing. It makes me realize that when I'm making memories that I need to realize the importance behind the memories. That when I think of Kalyna, I can't help but think about the way that God showed Himself faithful during our lowest, darkest hours. He was there. He provided people to help, He provided His peace and His comfort like only He could do. And now when I make these new memories, I think of the faithfulness of God and how He brought first Albert, then Micah and now little A into my life and what a blessing they are to me. Times that we spend together, pictures of them smiling, remind me that joy is still possible despite the hard, difficult times that come before and after the smiling pictures. I am thankful to God for these memories that point me to Him and will continue to remind me of His presence in my life.

Also at your times of rejoicing—your appointed festivals and New Moon feasts—you are to sound the trumpets over your burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, and they will be a memorial for you before your God. I am the Lord your God.”  ~Numbers 10:10~