5 years

Every year I give myself one day. One day to think about what could have, should have, would have been. One day to miss her deeply. One day to cry over her. One day to lament over the fact that no matter how many family pictures we take, they are always incomplete. Her beautiful face is missing from every family photo.

5 years ago today I held my baby girl for the first and last time on this earth. I smelled her sweet smell, I studied her perfect little features and kissed her super soft cheeks.
5 years ago today, her legacy began. Kalyna Leanne's legacy began.

Every day that I choose to live, choose to have joy and choose to continue on living for Jesus and for my family is a part of her legacy. I hope that I am making her proud.
Ava and Ellia are part of her legacy. They came after her and came because of her. Two little girls that I have the privilege of raising. I hope and pray that I can do that well.
Her life even so brief has a purpose. God created her with a purpose and I believe that every day I don't give up, is helping to fulfill the purpose God has for her life. I love this quote I found a couple days after she passed away:

"The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God." ~Author unknown~

I think that is why I share this blog now. I want her life to be more than just the sweet day that I held her. I want her life to continue to point people to Jesus even 5 years down the road....

Her life was a huge loss for us, but we have hope that we will hold her, see her, wrap our arms around her again one day in Heaven. The perfect place that God has created for all those who choose to believe in Jesus. That perfect place where our family picture will be complete.

If you don't know Jesus yet, I encourage you to seek Him out. Ask the tough questions. Life is much to hard to go alone. Without Jesus I don't think I would be here 5 years later living the legacy of my daughter.

Kalyna Leanne

July 11, 2012

Forever Loved.

Forever Safe in the Arms of Jesus.

Recap of the past little while...including the result of our miracle!

And I'm back...I apologize for the lengthy break that I took. It's been a crazy busy time. Now that September has arrived though, I'm beginning to find a little more time for things that I enjoy doing. Hopefully one of those things will be to continue to blog. I've always loved to write and writing about my life and family is something I really enjoy doing and hopefully it will become a place where the kids can read about memories one day. So here's my recap over the last while...and hopefully I will be able to post more regularly now! :)

Well first things first, we have had a new addition to our family. Our youngest member, Ellia Hope was born at the end of November! It was a very up and down emotional pregnancy for me, but thankfully I had a very understanding doctor and he agreed to induce me before 39 weeks (as Kalyna passed away at 39 weeks). So at about 38 and a half weeks, I was induced and after only 6 hours of induction, our little 7 pound 9 ounce baby girl was born healthy. I can't even explain the happiness that I felt in that moment. Our prayers, yearning and desires were fulfilled with the birth of this little girl. She has brought so much joy to everyone in our family. She really is the sweetest joy.

Since then, it has been a whirlwind of everything.

Micah has now turned 6...eek! And is in grade 1. He is so excited to be in grade 1 where the real work starts. He loves math.....yep you read that right! Loves math!! (definitely takes after his dad with that one...I detest math...)
A will be turning 5 soon. She is growing and is in SK. Same class as last year, so I hope that will help her be able to learn sooner, instead of having a long adjustment period. She loves gymnastics and riding bikes.
Ellia is home with me and back and forth to church for my job as well. She is 9 months old, and I think (hopefully) on the verge of crawling and acquiring teeth....sleep is not plentiful these days and hopefully once we see some teeth, sleep will come back too! (I hope!)

Anyways I have to keep this short today as there are many household chores beckoning me to start...finish....so I best keep going, but I wanted to update and hopefully keep up with my writing again!

Here's a favourite verse I read the other day....I've been stuck on it for a bit now:

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth

so that you have sincere love for each other,

love one another deeply, from the heart.

1 Peter 1:22

Miracle

The door was closed
I said no more, I wouldn't
go that way again. I couldn't,
I wouldn't. It was just done.

Then time went on, things got busy,
But slowly something was changing.
A spark began and changed to hope,
a longing and a desire.

The time was not right. Not yet.
Was this really to be?
No the timing was still wrong.
So time passed and the desire grew strong.

Maybe now?
It seems maybe,
that our hearts just might be ready.
A few months pass, maybe not.

Then on Easter Sunday morning
it was confirmed.
And so with anticipation, hope and fear
a little Siertsema is due in December this year!

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

~Psalm 37:4~

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~Jeremiah 29:11~

Let us hold unswervingly, to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

~Hebrews 10:23~

 

 

 

Catch up

Well, it's been awhile again! I guess it's a good thing that I'm busy with my two kids, part-time job and being a wife. That's about all I can handle these days. I'd love more time to write and keep this blog going, but most days, the days are just long enough to get in everything I need to do...and yet there's always more I want to do. Maybe when the kids are in school in the fall I'll have more time to write. For now, it's a busy summer with the kids, but you know, it's been a really great one! The kids are getting along well and enjoying each others company and I'm enjoying them as well!

A few notable days that have passed, and I will hopefully write more about them in the coming days, but I wanted to remind myself to do that so I thought I'd post blog titles here, so hopefully I can remember to write more about them sometime soon.

Miracle

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ~Psalm 37:4~

A's second gotcha day/family day!

Kalyna's 3rd Birthday

Micah is 5!

When openness becomes a reality

The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand. ~Psalm 37:23-24~

It's been a very eventful few months and I will hopefully have time to fill in these blog posts...if not this summer than in September hopefully! Can't believe that Micah will be in SK in the fall and A in JK. I can't believe we made it to the school days with both of them. Very hard to believe, but feels like a great accomplishment to know that we made it and a new chapter of our lives is about to begin, called the School Life. With it will come a new routine and new wrinkles to sort out.

But for now I'm going to just enjoy these summer months that are slowly fading away. Summer months that allow for spending more time with my amazing kids, (who right now are playing a card game together very nicely! -I'm so amazed at how well they play together these days!), having bbq's with friends, relaxing evenings with my wonderful hubby and just the overall slower pace that is the summer. It's been a really great one so far! :)

I hope you are all having a lovely summer as well.
And I'll leave you with these verses. They caught my eye this morning.

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children’s children— with those who keep his covenant

and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103:17-18

Psalm 42

Psalm 42 (paraphrased by me)

As animals long for water to drink, to satisfy their thirst, so I want to long for you my God. I want everything in me to long for you. I want to know the living God. I want to meet with You everyday. When I go through difficulties and I have only my tears, I remember how I used to run to God and live in His comfort...and the times that I praised Him. It helps me remember that when I am sad/discouraged/angry that I need to put my hope in God and continue to praise my Saviour. Sometimes it feels as though my troubles are causing me to question where my God is...but I know that my hope is in God and I will continue to praise Him all day long. I know God is my rock.

"By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me

— a prayer to the God of my life."

Psalm 42:8

 

 

Psalm 63

Psalm 63 (as paraphrased by me)
You are my God and I want to continue to seek you. I want to long for you with all that I am. I have seen your wonderful works in my life and have felt your presence. You love is better than anything in this world. I will praise you and lift up my hands in worship. I want your love to satisfy all my deepest desires. Throughout the night, when I wake, I want to be talking with you. I know that you are my help through all my deepest storms and I will cling to you; even when I feel threatened and overwhelmed with this life.  I will continue to rejoice in you, my God.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

 I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.

~Psalm 63:7-8~

Psalm 27

Psalm 27
This is just Psalm 27 in my own words as I read it and pray it into my life.

No matter what I face in life, God is always my strength. I don't have to be afraid of anything because God is the anchor the one who holds me together and gives me my salvation. No one can take that away. I can be confident in my unchanging God.
I am looking forward to the day when I see the Lord's face and dwell in His home and see His beauty. For He continues to take care of me no matter what. Because the Lord saved me, I will sing His praises and worship Him. I will seek His face; please Lord might I find You? I know that even if everyone left me, or everything was taken away, the Lord would never leave me. He would never forsake me. Please teach me your ways. Help me to walk in your ways. May your desires be my desires.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

~Psalm 27:13-14~

2015

Well, it's been awhile, but I guess that's what happens in life! Life happens!

The beginning of 2015 was busy with our Upward Basketball Season 4! We spent every Saturday in January and February and 1 in March at Basketball. It's a whirlwind of a season, but I think it was a good one. We had a lot of kids out this year...more than I expected which made for some stress in terms of organizing a number so large, but thanks to our Heavenly Father, He provided some new coaches, coaches who were willing to coach two teams and a venue within the school board at a local elementary school which was really awesome! It definitely paved the way for next year, and we should be able to continue to support that many kids hopefully...
A lot of our time over those months were dedicated to the Upward Basketball ministry. God has blessed this ministry with three partner churches and many many volunteers from young to old! The message of Jesus was shared to all our Upward players and their families! It can't get much better than that!
Also, this year, Micah got to play for the first time! Next year A will get to play...and she is already practicing and can't wait until it's her turn to play too. I can't wait to watch her!

Well we enjoyed a little down time in March and then we swung right into April and Easter. This year's Good Friday service and Easter Sunday service were both so powerful, awe-inspiring and encouraging. We are so blessed to be apart of our church family. 

I guess this post doesn't have much inspiration, but mostly just a catch up over the last few months.
However, I am hoping to blog a little more in the coming weeks as I hope to do a study on prayer with the Psalms. The devotion encouraged summarizing the Psalms to help with prayer life. Prayer always seems to be an area I need to work on, so I'm hoping this will help my prayer life. I always try to write down my prayer requests, or who I'm praying for and then remember to pray for them as often as I can...but I usually do really well for a bit and then I struggle with it again. I really want to have a consistent and meaningful prayer life with my Heavenly Father. It's only by His strength I can whether the daily storms. So stay tuned (hopefully) for a little study on the Psalms and prayer :)

I hope you've all had a blessed Easter and are renewed in your faith and looking forward to when our Saviour comes again!

Christmas 2014

And the dust is finally starting to settle. After a whirlwind few days, we are finally home tomorrow after 4 days of Christmases in a row! The kids haven't even been home to play with their new things!

What a crazy Christmas...a Christmas full of rain and cloudy days...(no beautiful white snow to marvel at) but it made for great driving conditions, so I'm thankful for that.

We spent our time visiting a lot of family and celebrating time and gifts and renewing our familyship together. Lots of good food and games and chats.

A and Micah, enjoyed themselves as well, despite taking turns battling a nasty cold, they seemed to be enjoying the attention and of course the gifts. They have also turned into pretty good travelers, despite hearing A ask, about every minute - "we there yet" , if you can handle that on repeat, they do pretty good. I think we've also heard the "ABCD" song by A about a million times as well...but hey, if she's happy and singing, I don't mind hearing the same song over and over.... :)

It's very interesting seeing gifts change as the kids grow. Seeing the clothes get a size larger each Christmas, seeing the kids' interests change, or level of difficulty change. This is the first Christmas that Micah has received lego or playmobile....I'm already figuring out how I'm going to have to re-organize his room to accommodate a good organization system for lego and playmobile... he is loving this stuff...I think it'll be good for his engineering brain and his imagination.

A is finally taking a small interest in dolls...mostly the brushing of their hair...she's a very tactile/learn through the senses type of girl, so she seems to love to brush/touch hair. It will be a good skill for her to learn to play with dolls, I think. She still loves to watch cooking or to pretend to cook, so I'm sure she will be pretend cooking for her dolls very soon.

To all our family near and far, thank you for a lovely Christmas time.

And as always, so important to focus on what Christmas truly is about. I've heard it said that Christmas is mostly about family and spending time with those you love...but what about those people who's loved ones have passed away? (Remembering our dear Kalyna - her ornaments are sparkling on our tree - but oh to see her lovely smiling face on our Christmas card would just warm my heart....) Who can't make it home to celebrate with loved ones? Who is all alone? That reason for Christmas would simply be painful to them. However, the real reason for Christmas can be celebrated by everyone, no matter what. Doesn't matter if you are all alone, if you can't make it home, if you are missing your loved ones, especially at this season.  No, everyone, anywhere, any age, can celebrate Jesus. We can celebrate His birthday and what this means for our lives. Jesus was born to die for our sins...that if we ask, we can be forgiven and some day live with Him in Heaven. Even Micah can tell that to you now! :) It totally melted my heart today when in KidJAM, Micah answered the question - What present would you give to Jesus - and he said "myself". So glad that Micah is starting to understand what life is all about.

I'll leave you with these verses: Our KidJAM verses from these past two weeks...

Luke 2:11

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

 

Matthew 2:11
On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

 

I hope that you are having a Christmas that is full of our Saviour's love and peace.

The greatest love story

So right now we are going through a book called "The Story" which is essentially excerpts that are taken out of the Bible. They are in chronological order and they depict the love story of God from old testament to new. It puts it a little more plainly so that people who don't have Bible college classes (me being one of those people) to figure out how everything fits together in the Bible, (not that you need Bible college to understand the Bible...but I'm sure there are things that I would understand more about the intricacies of the Bible, if I had studied it academically) this allows the story about how God loves people so much and is working on getting them back. I came across this group of verses in Isaiah today after I searched "you are mine". It really brought it home for me. So since I'm on for devotions at our staff meeting this week, I thought I'd write my thoughts down and share them with all of you. Thanks for reading.

 

But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob,

he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.

I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:1-7 NIV~ 

 

As I was reading this, I was wondering whether there were any comments on this passage, when I came across the same verses in the message version.

 

1-4But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,

the One who got you started, Israel:

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.

When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—

Because I am God, your personal God,

The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you:

all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!

That’s how much you mean to me!

That’s how much I love you!

I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

5-7“So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.

I’ll round up all your scattered children, pull them in from east and west.

I’ll send orders north and south: ‘Send them back.

Return my sons from distant lands, my daughters from faraway places.

I want them back, every last one who bears my name, every man, woman, and child

Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one.’”

~Isaiah 43:1-7 MSG~

 

Read that a couple times and just let the words sink in.

 

It's not very often that I use the message translation, but I really like how they spell it out very plainly.

A few things stand out to me: I love the phrase "You're mine". God says right there "You're mine". We're His. Could it be said any more clearly than that? We belong to Him...there's not if, ands or buts about it. He created us for himself...and the sooner we realize that this means...the sooner we lose our identity issues and find our self-worth in the one who created us for His purpose and glory.

I also love the part about how He is always with us: "When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place,it won’t be a dead end—" I need this so much. This assurance. This promise. That when life seems like it's too much to handle, that I'm not alone and the road doesn't end. That road will end in Heaven...so I'm never stuck. If this earth crumbles and life ends...Heaven awaits...

Also, the part of "that's how much I love you" and it goes into detail of just how much God loves us. We have the advantage of knowing that He did go to extreme lengths to get us back...with His son. Jesus died for us, for all our tendencies to go our own way, just because God desires us so much. As Pastor Deve put in His sermon...we are the bride that God desires. He wants us to want His love, just as a man wants his girlfriend to love Him and commit to Him...(but on a much bigger scale as God's love surpasses the love of a guy for his girlfriend). We can't compete with that kind of love, we have to simply fall into it and accept the love He lavishes upon us.

And lastly, "I want them back, every last one who bears my name, every man, woman, and child

Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one" --God won't just let us go our own way, He will pursue us. Remind us of His love for us at every turn. Through creation, through other people, through circumstances....He will use so many ways to remind us of His love. Wow. You can't push Him away. You can't lose Him. (You can walk away, push Him away, but He will always be there.....calling out to you). God wants us. He wants everyone that He has created, because He created each one of us for His glory. This also reminds me that we should also have this passion too....a passion to share this love of God with all people - God wants everyone of them to turn to Him. He created them. He loves them. That should be our passion too.

 

Just a few thoughts from me. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

Our little A is 3!

What a great day today was! It was just a really really nice day.
I so enjoyed spending the afternoon with my little girl. It's crazy. I felt like my heart exploded inside of me today. I have known that I loved her...but I think maybe today was the first time that I loved her as my own.
She's three now! Now we have celebrated 2 birthdays with Ava! It feels really awesome that we've been apart of two of them now. As I look back over the past year of firsts, I'm really loving the seconds...things seem to be so much easier the second time around. I have decided that I like seconds. Ava's second birthday party, it will be her second Thanksgiving, her second Christmas, etc. Looking forward to experiencing all these seconds with Ava...seconds seem much sweeter and I am so thankful for these!

Well, here's to my smart, funny, ambitious, creative, music loving, full of energy, strong-willed, vivacious, energetic, emotional, empathetic, loving, curious, entertaining, beautiful daughter. We are so blessed to have you in our lives and are looking forward sharing many thirds and fourths and fifths and so on with you! Love you!

I shall leave you with Ava's life verse:

For the Lord himself goes before you.

He will be with you.

He will never leave you or forsake you.

Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.

~Deuteronomy 31:8~

A new season

It is definitely amazing how life takes over and there is no longer time to write very often. Then the thoughts just go round and round in my head till sometimes I think my head is going to pop! Here are a few musings from the past month...

Well we have finished week 4 of the new routine....of this new life that is called "the school years". And by the fact that I know it's only been four weeks, probably lets you know that it's been a long four weeks. It's definitely been a transition time for sure. I get up earlier now, so I get tired sooner...definitely a change I've noticed...my body does not like to get up in the morning...I used to think I was a morning person....apparently not so much....it just looked like I was compared to the rest of my family...
Anyways, Micah has been in school 4 weeks and is doing well! He comes home singing French songs and saying random French words that I know I haven't taught him. It really looks like they have a great program for JK/SK -very effective in learning French for sure! I figured that Micah would do well with that...he seems to really enjoy learning and things stick easily for him (definitely gets that from his father!). He has had some issues with the toilet at school though. It mortifies me, but there really isn't anything I can do about it. It seems that he gets so engaged at school and focused on something that he must block everything out and then has accidents. It's so terribly embarrassing to me. I don't think he really finds it a big deal though....he still talks about friends he plays with, so it doesn't seem to affect his socialness I think/I hope. He is blessed with a really great teacher this year who is so kind and understanding and helps him clean himself up every time...and hasn't banned him from coming yet either so that is great too. It hasn't been a lot (too much for me to handle) but really there have been maybe 4 days where he's had accidents...so I guess that's not too bad out of 4 weeks. Just one of those things I guess...(sorry for the total honesty here...)

On a more positive note, our dear little A, trained in 2 weeks and hasn't had an accident since. :) So whoever said girls were easier...or that second kids are easier...definitely has a point.

A also started preschool and gymnastics. Preschool is proving to be a bit of a challenge for A as she has a lot of random impulses and she needs to be taught what is appropriate behaviour for preschool and what isn't....(dumping sand on another child's head...isn't.) But she is starting to get it. She will even sit with the class 2 out of the 3 times they have sit down time. She loves doing the craft! And she is proud of herself every time she shares with a friend and doesn't put playdough in her mouth...that is a huge accomplishment for her. She goes two mornings a week and I think she improves every time she goes.  She is also enjoying her gymnastics...lots of swinging on bars, jumping, bouncing, somersaults...she enjoys it all. It requires a lot of self-control on her part to stay with her group and coach instead of running to other equipment around the gym. She is figuring it out though and doing better every time.  I'm so proud of her.

Well despite all the craziness, it is a new and exciting era. I'm so excited for all the things that both kids are learning! They are growing and learning and changing everyday. It's very thrilling to see.

I'm thankful for this season we are in, even if I have to drink 4 cups of coffee every day...just to keep up. I just need to figure out a little more balance for myself...figuring out where in the day to carve out my devotion time and prayer time...that is definitely needed and so important and can't be overlooked despite the busyness.
Just this past Friday, A and I had a quiet day at home and I was able to find this verse that really spoke to me:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord ’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” ~Lamentations 3:21-24~

 

Every day God's mercies are new. There is something new each day. I am so thankful for this. The days I mess up, over-react, flip out, lose it...etc. are gone with the passing day and each day God forgives me and encourages me and I can start over. I am ever so thankful for my Saviour's compassion, mercy, faithfulness, strength and love.



Micah turns 4

My little first-born. The one who made us parents for the first time. I don't think it was very long after he was born that we figured out that parenting was not going to be easy....heheehee.

But out he came, all 8 pounds 2 ounces. He was laid on my chest and I remember thinking, is it a boy or a girl? Albert checked and sure enough it was a boy. A very cute little boy.

Now here we are 4 years later and he will be off to school come September! That seems pretty crazy, although I'm so excited for him to go to school. I think/hope that he will really enjoy it. I hope that he will enjoy the added challenge of learning French. My parents gave me the gift of learning another language while I was growing up and I really want to pass that gift onto my children too. Micah will be the first to head off to school to learn French and experience all that school has to offer. I won't continue on to defend my choice of school...I know that there are so many opinions out there on what type of school kids should go to (public school, private school, Christian school, homeschool). I personally believe that we need all these different types of schools as all kids are different and what works for one child, doesn't necessarily work for another. Every parent's job is to decide which form of school they feel is best suited for their child. There is no need to judge each other on which school we use, but support each other in our decisions....(my opinion anyway :) I know that in sending my kids to public school that it is my job and responsibility to know what is going on at school, to be in constant communication with the teachers and to talk to my children about what God says is right and what behaviours/words/actions they see at school might not be what God wants for them. To have that open discussion with my kids about how to be responsible, trustworthy kids. About how God loves them so much and loves their teachers and all the kids at school. They need to know that since God put their teacher in charge, that they need to respect their authority. Also, since God created all the kids in their class, that they need to treat them as loved children of God. We'll see how all this goes as the crazy adventure of school is just about to begin. Who knows how it will go...these are my thoughts as of now...but I'm willing to adapt/change should my children require it (the public school idea anyways). Enough about school though...

Micah was able to celebrate his birthday in a variety of ways...we had an afternoon swim and dinner at my dad's home as well as a trip to visit Thomas the train in St. Thomas. That was a fun experience for the kids. They seemed to have an awesome time and they made some good memories with their Opa and Memere Lise. That was a cool birthday trip for sure!
Micah also got to celebrate his birthday with a trip to the African Lion Safari with his Oma, Aunt, Uncle and Uncle's GF. It was a really great trip too...many wonderful memories made and exciting experiences were had.
Micah also got to celebrate his birthday with a trip to the farm - tractor rides with Poppers and playing ball with Aunt and Uncle...and then his whole birth day he spent lots of quality time with his Grannie. So many memories with people that he loves.
I love it. People are so valuable...building relationships, learning from and making memories with those that are important to Micah and who love him. These things hopefully he will remember for the rest of his life...through his memories and through photos. Remembering just how many people love him and some day when they are gone, he will have many fond memories to look back on.
Anyways, I'll leave you with my Micah's life verse...one he can now say all on his own!

So I will look to the Lord, I'll put my trust in God my Saviour. He will hear me.

~Micah 7:7~

Kalyna turns 2

Friday July 11, 2014 - My darling Kalyna turned two. I don't know if they keep track of age in Heaven...I'm not really sure how time works up there. But here on earth we keep time, so it feels ok to remember Kalyna's birthday and the age she would be.

I was so thankful on Friday to be able to spend some time alone at my daughter's grave. A caring friend watched the kids for the morning to allow me to spend some quiet time there.
It was a really crazy thing to go through all the stages of grief in a mere two hours. I went back to the day she was born. Holding her for the first time, my beautiful little baby girl - her dark curly hair, her overly red lips and her cute button nose. She was perfect in so many ways, except the way that counted. No breath came through her nose, no sound of crying from her lips. An unusual silence from a normally noisy birthing room. But she was there. There for me to hold, to kiss, to clean, to dress. I loved her instantly and a part of me was lost that day too. A part of my heart that will never heal until I get to hold her again.
As I moved through my thoughts, I thought about the legacy that she had left behind. Her being gone so soon, led to our adoption of A, which wouldn't have happened had she been here. Her legacy is that we can provide a loving home for A who needed one too. I wrote a letter to Kalyna telling her about her new sister. I can't wait for the two of them to meet one day.
I prayed for anger to go away, prayed for peace and for strength to be the best example I can be to my kids. I had felt very weighted and heavy as this day drew closer, and after spilling all my emotions and pain, I felt a renewed sense of peace and strength to continue on in this difficult life. To face it with some joy. To know that I'm not alone and that God is with me every day...that I need to make sure that I stay connected to Him - especially when I don't think I have the time -that's often when I need to make time.
I bought a little happy birthday candle and a 2 and put them by her grave to mark the significant day. Not much of a birthday celebration compared to what Micah is having soon...but hopefully it helped mark the significant day.
Lately I have been listening to a song by Third Day - one of their older songs, but a good one none the less...there is a line in the song that goes like this:
"It's alright, it's ok, I won't worry about tomorrow, for it brings me one more day closer than I was to you"
-I know that they are speaking about Jesus which I love....and I agree. It's taken on a bit of a double meaning lately, because it too means that I am a day closer to seeing my Kalyna again too (and my Jaimie). I am thankful for this promise.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death

or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

~Revelation 21:3-7~

Life

Well time just keeps passing on. Life continues on. We passed Father's day...a day where we celebrated Albert. I feel he likely didn't get enough celebrating for the great dad that he is, but he never complained because of course he is so awesome. I appreciate him so much. Something I've said before, but it never hurts to say it again. I am so thankful for my husband. He is committed to me and Micah and A. He gives of himself so much. He helps in the morning, goes to work, then comes home and plays with the kids and then helps with bedtimes. He is generally the bath-giver every night. What a blessing it is to have him in my life as my partner through life. Through the ups and downs he is there. It's really funny because we do work so well together. We are a great team. We recently had a Saturday to "ourselves" thanks to my mom who watched the kids. We had a booth at Kid's Fun Fest to promote Upward Basketball ....such a great day. I think we saw over 300 kids to whom we gave Upward Basketball info....so it will be interesting to see if some of them join us for this upcoming season. We were quite hot and worn after that, so we went to see our very first 3D movie! Crazy. It was so fun! Then we had a nice dinner out at East Side Marios....which was so yummy! :) It was an enjoyable day, just enjoying each other.

Recently as well, we hit June 19 - A's "gotcha" day! The anniversary of when A came to stay with us! One year ago a blond haired, blue eyed little girl was dropped off and slowly began to weave her way into our family and our hearts. She is such a cherished part of our family now. It took a lot of prayers and a lot of patience but I think we won her over. :) I think she has bonded with us and confidently knows that we are her family. I write this as I watch her and Micah climb all over Albert with big smiles and laughter. I've decided that a good word to describe her is vivacious. One year makes so much of a difference. I feel like I've learned so much over the year, and then sometimes I feel like I haven't learned anything. Regardless...our lives are richer and full of more joy than they were a year ago. We are a family of 4 on earth, navigating through this adventure and journey called life.

We are looking forward to a summer of daytrips and hopefully no drama or big changes. Just enjoying our family of four and making some memories together. :)

Thanks for reading.

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”
~Nehemiah 8:10~

 

Dedication Day

A day I had been waiting for, for a long time. Dedication Day.
I tried to figure out why this was so important to me. I have already given my children to God. I know that they are His first and that He has entrusted them to me. But I think I wanted to follow in this step because it's just so meaningful to declare that we will raise our children to hopefully one day believe in Jesus and trust Him and follow Him wholeheartedly and that the church will help us do that as well. We are so thankful for our wonderful church family. They are truly so supportive and loving and beautiful. I am so thankful to be raising my kids in our church. That they are part of an extended "family" that will love them and show them Jesus through their actions.
 I think in part, I also wanted this dedication because I wanted a celebration. We've had heartache and people have shared in our heartbreak...I think I wanted to share my joy. I wanted to focus on what I do have and celebrate what I have, and not lament over what I don't have or feel like I should have. (This stems from a recent breakdown of mine a week or so ago-however, I am not going to wallow back there but to stand up against that depression and find joy in my Saviour and in my family.)

It was a really great day. All of our immediate family came out to the church service. I know that they will help us raise our children to come to know the Lord too. I can feel their support and their love. I'm so thankful for our family support system. They have accepted A into our family with unconditional love. It's so beautiful. Our family just brings me to tears the way they have really stepped up to help us shoulder the weight of being parents. They are all excellent grandparents and aunts and uncles...our kids are so blessed to have each of them in their lives. They each bring their own unique gifts to better the lives of my kids.
A's previous foster mom and her family came to the church service as well and her other foster family came to the bbq too. A has been so loved and so supported and so prayed for. I love how those that know A continue to want to be a part of her life. She is so special to so many people. I hope that keeping these connections will be a blessing to her as she grows. 

The day just made my heart sing. Celebrating our son and daughter. Micah, our handsome, smart, little man. He continues to amaze me by his ability to learn, care and love. He is just awesome. A, our beautiful, sweet, tender-hearted, spunky, fun-loving, yet tenacious, resilient and stubborn daughter. She has brought so much joy to our family. There was a time where it was hard to think that it was joy, there was so much confusion and anger...probably on both sides, but God has been here all along and had her in His plan and us in His plan. Together we are all better because we have each other.

I love my little daughter. I can't wait to see how she continues to grow and develop. She is amazing.
I love my son too. I look forward to watching him continue to grow and develop and start school this year!
Thank you dear Heavenly Father for these beautiful children you've given us. Thank you for your all powerful strength that you've given to us. Thank you for hearing our prayers.

Here is the verse I shared with the church. So important to know that it was only by God's strength that we were able to bring A into our lives. He carried us...and continues to carry us. In our strength we fail, but with God's strength - well His strength creates miracles.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Official

Well...we got the phone call today! (well yesterday now, by the time I get this posted!) Today our adoption worker called to say that A is officially ours today! The judge signed the papers and approved the adoption! DONE.
Wow. This journey we began back in August of 2012....calling and then waiting for an info session for a couple of months, 9 weeks of PRIDE training, weeks of homestudy and then finally being open, and the waiting....and then we met A. It's a rollercoaster ride to say the least, but it's been almost 10 months now that she has been here and we are so glad that she is. Now she is officially part of the family, even though she already was one of the family. We are so thankful and grateful to God that our adoption is complete with her. It's very much a blessing. No more visits from our worker anymore (although she was a wonderful woman)!

After the phone call we called Albert to let him know and then we had a dancing/jumping party. A loves to jump! Micah took some pictures and then we took some more pictures! We also bought some cupcake mix at the store and made cupcakes to celebrate, A loves to bake as well! It is a really great day!

The feeling of her adoption being complete is like no other. I am so happy....I guess I didn't realize there was stress over this, but I feel peace. Feel joy. Feel elation. Feel thankfulness. It's just a wonderful feeling and only increases my love for A, knowing that she is ours completely. What a great feeling.

That isn't to say that there won't be challenges along the way. We've come to realize that having some openness in our adoption would benefit A....but that is for another post. Right now, I am simply going to bask in the wonderfulness that she is officially ours! :)

I'll leave you with these verses:

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,

your vindication like the noonday sun.

~Psalm 37:4-6~

Freeze

If I could freeze a day, today would probably be one of those days.
It's rare that we have a good day when we are home all day, but today was one of those days when everyone was in just the right mood to all get along.
It was so nice.
We had a leisurely morning, with both Albert and I getting a little time to ourselves, we had fun playing with the kids and lunch was yummy too. We had some awesome friends come over for coffee and had a wonderful visit with them. We had some more fun outside (even though it was terribly cold) after that with the kids and then we had bbq hamburgers for supper. Supper was followed up by some more good playtime with the kids and then a getting ready for bed dance party to Toby Mac and Grits. It was just a really great day- I know it doesn't seem like we did anything special, but it was incredibly special to me. There were no extreme melt-downs, lose your cool moments or time outs. It made me smile ...smile big. Today we gelled and felt truly like a family. Big smiley face :)

Thanks for letting me share my joy.

*                                      *                                          *

Read these verses this morning. This promise certainly set the tone for the day.

 

I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there?

My help comes from the lord,who made heaven and earth!

He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber.

Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.

The lord himself watches over you!

The lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night.

The lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.

The lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

~Psalm 121~

2 steps forward, 5 steps back

Nothing is ever predictable around here anymore. Just when you think things are going great one minute, the next minute they can crash and burn. I know sounds a bit overdramatic but sometimes that's just the way it is.
We finally got over all the craziness of sicknesses from a couple weeks ago and we are slowly working our way back to where we were. It's a crazy thing, I tell you. When A gets sick, it's like she reverts back to all her previous behaviours and frustrations. She stops communicating and is simply angry. I understand that it is awful to be sick. No one likes being sick. But it's different for her. She's so mad that she is sick and just shuts down. When she is finally well again, it takes weeks to get the progress back that we had before she was sick. It's crazy. I thought today was finally the day when we were back to where we were a month ago, and then BAM giant meltdown for some reason that we obviously missed because I, nor Albert, have any idea what caused it! You just have to wonder sometimes what goes through that little head of hers. What has it seen, where has it been before coming to us. Or is this simply her? Micah isn't like that when he is sick. He's a lot less happy, but he doesn't regress. It baffles me. But we keep carrying on. We managed to salvage bedtime...I think. But she's still rolling around in there probably because we started too early because of the giant meltdown. Or maybe it's the Easter sugar catching up with her. ...hmmmmm

Anyways...on a more positive note, something really cute that she has started doing is saying "LOVE YOU". At first I would just say it to her and she wouldn't say anything. Then one day she said it back and we just said it back and forth....now she initiates it! It's super touching and melts my heart everytime she looks up at me with a smile and says "love you".
She also will go up to someone (usually Albert or Micah) and say "hug". It's pretty darn cute!

Another really awesome thing that we are starting to see with her is empathy. She gets very concerned when someone is hurt or crying. She will actually go up to them and pat or rub them to help them feel better! This is a huge thing as she used to throw herself down and cry too if there was another child crying. So thankful for this step as well.

I hope that you all had a blessed Easter weekend. We enjoyed visiting family and having a family day.

So thankful for God's great love. Just knowing Jesus spurs us on in love and in love we are able to serve others. Without that great love we would be nothing.

For God so LOVED the world that He gave his only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
~ John 3:16~

Intentional

"Intentional" definitely a word that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Seems to come up a lot.

Intentional about hearing the voice of God. Intentional about letting our kids hear the word/voice of God. To hear God. To get to know Him. Providing many opportunities for that to happen. Through devotions, Bible verses, songs, church, KidJAM, prayer, and just quiet time to be still.

A friend introduced me to something called "IF" (www.ifequip.com) and it's a group of women from all over that are studying the same passage of scripture every weekday and then they post their thoughts online, and you can listen to two women discuss it. Currently they (and I) are reading through John. This week one of the passages we read was: John 10:27-30
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
When the two women are talking, they are talking about how we as parents need to be intentional to hear the voice of God and then we need to intentionally allow our kids to hear the voice of God as well. We need to make sure that there aren't distractions in our home that lead our kids away from God's voice. Our kids need to see us seeking God's voice and then intentionally give them ways to hear God's voice too.

After Kalyna passed away I started writing out verses of meaning to me (probably a lot of them are in this blog...) but I would write them on coloured paper and put a magnet on them and post them all over my fridge. They were a good reminder to me that these were important words that I needed to hear. Now those verses are moved to the side of the fridge or to the top as the kids like to knock them off the fridge and then pull the magnets off the back. Not exactly ideal....I'm sure there will be a time when they can read them...but for now that's not the best way for them to hear God's voice.
Right now one of my favourite ways for my kids to hear God's word is through songs. Both of my kids love music. They love it! They dance, or sing, or clap or move. It's really fun. I have found that there is great kids music that promotes the word of God. Have you heard of the "Rizers" ? They are fantastic! Look them up on YouTube. They are an animated band that sings Bible verses. It's awesome. Micah loves them and A is starting to as well. Micah now sings Bible verses....and you know what, I do too! They get stuck in my head even! And then I can show Micah where they are found in the Bible. He loves this and then wants me to write the verse out for him and then I hang them up in the kids' playroom! I love it! Also another great band for kids - Go Fish Guys. They are quite awesome. I could listen to them all day....but so can my kids! Micah and A love them too! They have great songs that worship God and they are fun! Check them out on Youtube too! I find my kids (Micah mostly, but I'm sure A will too (although she does already say "trust" because of a song...) repeating words and phrases and verses from the songs that are ultimately Bible verses or songs of praise to our Saviour! It is great!
Another way that I'm going to use to be intentional about my kids hearing God's word/voice is through a specific life verse for my kids and for our family. I'm going to have these verses posted on the walls so that they are there and my hope is that the kids will be able to recite their life verses from a young age and be always challenged by that verse whenever they have quiet time in their rooms as they get older.

Our family verse is going on the wall in the living room - it was one of our wedding verses as well.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
This verse tells our family that God has plans for our lives. He put us here for a specific purpose and will give us what we need to prosper in this plan that He has. We can't do it alone, we need to lean on Him for the strength to fulfill these plans. He alone can give us that hope and future that we so long for.

Micah's verse, is found in Micah....of course...it just had to be. His verse is Micah 7:7
So I will look to the Lord. I will put my trust in God my Saviour. He will hear me.
-I love it because this is what I long for, for my Micah. That he will always look to the Lord. That he will trust in God and know well that God will always hear him. I think that if Micah does this, that the rest will flow from this. That his life might be dedicated to loving and serving God and then loving and serving others. If Micah will look to the Lord for guidance for his life, then his life will be led by God and Micah will do great things for God. I pray this for my son.

A's verse is Deuteronomy 31:8 -
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
-I love this because I love putting A's name in place of the word you. The Lord himself goes before A and will be with A. He will never leave A nor forsake A. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.
This verse is perfect for a few reasons. I love how it says that the Lord goes before her. She's had a rocky beginning, but despite that, God has been going ahead of her, preparing the way for her. He's been working in our lives to prepare us for her. He's been making a way for her even though she/or we didn't know it. Also, I love the phrase "He will never leave you". I think that is so important for A. I hope that she is secure and confident in our love, knowing we will never leave her...but more importantly that she will know this of God. Despite having been moved a lot in her short life, knowing that God will never leave her. And the phrase "do not be afraid" has been something that is resounding with Albert lately. Has to do a lot with his trip to El Salvador before Christmas this year. It really made this verse stand out to us as well. And lastly "do not be discouraged" - a phrase to encourage and to press her forward...hopefully A will take this to heart and continue to strive for her best and to fulfill the plans that God has created her for. I pray this for my daughter.

**As an aside, if you are thinking of posting verses on your wall and aren't sure how to get them on there, I know someone who makes the vinyl words/phrases for walls and they are awesome....so email me and I can get you in touch with her! :)**

I just want to encourage you today. Stay in God's word. Consume yourself with ways in which you can hear God's voice. Then find ways to allow your kids to hear God's word too. If we are listening to God and hearing His voice, then the voices of this world, the temptations we face on a daily basis, grow quiet as we follow our Good Shepherd to His plans for us.