Just a few things I have learned about grieving that I'd like to share with you all.
We recently went to a 2 session seminar on grieving. We didn't really want to go, to bring up all the pain and hurt again just didn't seem like something we wanted to do.
I think that I began the sessions with the wrong perspective - I started off with the focus on me...what can I get out of this that will help me....
However, after a little bit, I realized that this session wasn't about me. It's not about my pain and my hurt, it's more about what I can I do with what I've been through, and now what I've been taught about grieving, to reach out and help others.
The verses in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 explain exactly what I think this grieving seminar was trying to help me with.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
We are comforted by God to help encourage and comfort those around us. Life is hard. Difficult times are around every corner. What we go through and how we are helped through it - God gives us comfort and gives us others to walk alongside us to help provide that comfort, so that in turn, we can be that source of comfort for someone else. It is not easy to walk alongside someone who is suffering/grieving - it takes a lot of time and emotional energy to be alongside someone who is grieving.
All that being said, I thought I'd write a little about what I've learned about grieving. It's not something that I had studied a lot on prior to going through it myself, and had I done that, it may have been a little easier, I don't know - I had heard about stages etc. - though the counselor we had, had a slightly different way of looking at it (called them seasons), and when I looked back I could totally see myself working my way through all the seasons he described. (It was nice to know that I wasn't depressed, just working my way through the grieving process.) I thought it might be helpful for you to know them as well....so that you might be able to understand/help someone else going through these seasons as well.
Our counselor described the seasons as numbness, yearning, confrontation, adjustment and re-organization. Oddly enough, I can see myself going through each of these seasons. He also said that you don't always move from one to the next, sometimes you go backwards, sometimes forwards, but eventually you want to make your way to re-organization. It also has no defined time line and is different for each individual.
A few things to mention about grief - grief is normal, emotional, intimately connected to the relationship, affects every part of our lives (intellectual, physical, emotional, social and spiritual), is un-welcome, uniquely personal, takes more time than people would think, can be over secondary losses too and is more effective when not done alone.
When someone is going through grief, it is suggested that you:
-are patient with yourself
-give yourself permission to grieve
-learn about grief
-move through the pain - deal with the pain instead of pushing it away for later
-be aware of your limitations - it's very easy to feel spacy, forgetful
-ask for and accept help
-be good to yourself, take care of yourself
-remember your loved one
-you are allowed to ask why
-share with those who've been there
-accept that life is different now
-take responsibility for your own happiness
-acknowledge small victories
-Hold onto hope
-It is helpful sometimes to journal (I have found that to be especially true. If I write down my thoughts and my feelings then they don't dissapear, they are still there...I can also look back and see my journey...see where I felt all those different seasons and how I've come out of them.)
The thing is, we can move through the seasons of grief, but we never get over our loss. We simply learn to live our life with that loss - hence the re-organization season.
If you are looking to help someone through grief, here are a few suggestions:
Be there
Listen
Make specific offers to help
Give them permission to grieve
Accept them unconditionally as being wounded people - if they lash out angrily or say something they wouldn't normally say, understand that they are still hurting and trying to re-figure out their life after this loss.
Encourage them to talk about feelings, memories, etc.
Grief takes time, be ready to continue support throughout the process
A couple additional ones:
Listen, but don't judge
Offer support, don't wait to be asked, but do respect their answer
Don't give advice...unless they in danger of harming themselves
Don't pretend nothing happened - this is something that I found happened a lot...mostly people just didn't know what to say, but it's ok to say something...(In my opinion). Just a little something letting someone know that you are thinking, praying for them, a hug etc. It may cause a flood of tears, but really tears are ok. As much as I am an incredibly private person when it comes to tears....tears are ok...it's ok to cry when you love someone. Tears can be healing. (although I find tears incredibly difficult to share with others)
A couple of things, I'd like to add from my own personal experience. (They may relate more to the passing of an infant).
In times of grief, draw close to God. Read His word, pray, cry out to Him. Feel His arms around you. He is there, crying with you, but also holding your loved one. Be concious of what God may want you to do to continue the legacy of your loved one. He had a plan and a purpose for your loved one's life and He has a plan and a purpose for your life and I believe the two can be intertwined. Is there something your loved one loved, that you can continue that legacy as well? Share and talk with close friends who are willing to walk alongside of you. You do need someone to talk to.
In all this, I really think that how you come out of grief is a choice. You have to choose God, you have to choose to continue on, to be present in your life, despite your loss, despite your broken heart. Eventhough it hurts and every day is hard, you have to choose life. Choose to live for God and trusting that your loved one is safe and sound with our Heavenly Father - waiting for you to join the Heavenly praise party.
Grief is hard, life is hard...nothing is ever the same after grief has entered. You have to choose how you are going to keep living after grief has happened. It's not easy. And it never really goes away. You get grief attacks, days that are sad, periods of time that might make you sad, holidays are no longer carefree; but it is possible to keep living with the memory of your loved one.
I'll leave you with this quote that was given to us:
"The Gift of Grief
Death takes away. That's all there is to it. But grief gives back. By experiencing it, we are not simply eroded by pain. Rather, we become larger human beings, more compassionate, more aware, more able to help others, more able to help ourselves. Grief is powerful. It plunges us into the depths of sorrow and forces us to face the finiteness of life, the mightiness of death, and the meaning of our existence here on earth. It does more than enable us to change: it demands it. The way we change is up to us. It is possible to be forever bowed by grief. It is possible to be so afraid of one aspect of it that we become frozen in place, stuck in sorrow, riveted in resentment or remorse, unable to move on.
But it is also possible to be enlarged, to find new direction, and to allow the memory of the beloved person we have lost to live on within us, not as a monument to misery but as a source of strength, love and inspiration. By acting on our grief, we can eventually find within ourselves a place of peace and purposefulness" (MY INSERT - With God we can find this - He gives us His peace and His purpose). "It is my belief that all grievers, no matter how intense their pain, no matter how rough the terrain across which they must travel can eventually find that place within their hearts."
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